Getting a little difficult

I'm increasingly falling off this wagon. My weight for the last week has looked like a sine wave. I've been exercising less, and having more and more days when I give in, say "fuck it" and go ahead and eat 2300 calories, without a good excuse.

It might be that I'm more stressed out. My other questionable coping strategies have certainly been on the rise. And nothing is going to change about that, so it'll just have to bugger off.

I'm certainly exercising less due to not having my music. I stopped doing cardio on yoga days because of genuine obligations, but I've been spotty about my cardio on other days too since my Shuffle broke. I ordered a Sansa yesterday though, so in a week or so I should back to pushing 300-500 cals a session on the elliptical while rocking out and getting my daily dose of cerebellar stimulation.

And finally, maybe I'm not eating enough. Maybe, now that I'm at a lower weight, my body is more sensitive to dietary deficit. It doesn't seem that hard if I'm in a good groove to eat 1400-1600 calories. But then there are the days when I'm pushing 1600 before dinner and I just go... gaaahh. Or when I'm on track to eat 1500, but come dinnertime I am just SO HUNGRY and figure I'd better eat what I want.

I know I had just switched to a lower-exercise, higher-diet plan, but I think I need to implement low-diet, high-exercise. I'm going to relax my standards and aim for 1600-1800 this week, and until further notice. That should still be a minor deficit, but hopefully more sustainable, and once I get my music back I can add dramatic amounts to this from exercise without increasing my appetite much. This is why exercise is important - way easier to burn 2500 calories and eat 1800 than to burn 2000 and eat 1300. Hopefully I'll feel better and be back to losing a solid pound-or-two-a-week within the next couple of weeks. Still hoping to break 150 before Thanksgiving.

Weekly summary

153.4 and 33.8% body fat.

Weekly stats: average kcals/day 1805, 2 cardio, 2 yoga, average daily balance -299, +0.2 lbs.

Activity log:
Sat: 0
Sun: 0
Mon: Outdoor run (2.0 mi)
Tue: 1 hr yoga
Wed: 0
Thurs: 1 hr yoga
Fri: Elliptical (28m, 303c)

One thing I'd just like to point out is that I think yesterday (Friday) was a great example of how to do a party. I anticipated that I would want to eat high calorie food and drink, so I minimized my calories during the day, but still ate several healthy, small meals. I also made sure to work out and racked up a couple of hundred negative calories there. Once I was there, I ate a bit of everything I wanted, but didn't mindlessly munch, and drank the perfect amount to get fairly silly with minimal hangover. I ended up with a surplus, but it was a small one due to my pre-emptive measures.

Food journal:

Friday 10/29

Buttered toasted bagel half, 2 eggs, and 1/2 grapefruit (110+50+180+30=370)
Rockfish, brussels sprouts, and rice (100+50+160=310)
100 calorie bar (100)
Bagel half with peanut butter and honey (110+95+30=235)
Cheesy bread, pizza, cookie, sushi, veggies, chips, and birthday cake (150+350+150+75+25+150+150=1000)
4 whiskey drinks with varying amounts of mixers (420+65+65+20=570)

370+310+100+1000+570=2585

Thursday 10/28

Oatmeal with dark chocolate, cinnamon, sugar, and milk (150+30+15+80=275)
Chocolate soymilk (130)
Rice and beans with cheese and tomatoes (160+115+110+40=425)
Leftover pasta and sauce (225)
Mixed nuts (85)
Rockfish, brussels sprouts, and potatoes (200+50+100=350)

275+130+425+225+85+350=1490

Wednesday 10/27

Bagel with egg patty and cheddar and chocolate (220+70+110+160=560)
Kale, potatoes, carrots and boiled egg with apple and grape salad (30+100+35+70+100+50=385)
2 cookies and Dr. Pepper (250+100=350)
1 slice pizza (300)
Rockstar energy drink (260)

560+385+350+300+260=1855

Tuesday 10/26

Oatmeal with dark chocolate, PB, sugar, and a glass of milk (150+55+95+15+160=475)
Apple (100)
Cheese and veggie wrap (180+165+30=375)
Honey green tea and 100 calorie bar (40+100=140)
Pasta with sauce and nutri-yeast and salad with cheese (300+50+50+20+165=585)
Balance bar (200)

475+100+375+140+585+200=1875

Monday 10/25

Grapes pre-run (50)
Bagel with cream cheese and 2 eggs (220+70+180=470)
Jolly Rancher (20)
Tuna, tomato and avocado wrap (180+75+40+100=395)
100 calorie bar (100)
Honey green tea, baby carrots and hummus (60+35+65=160)
Dark chocolate (55)
Tomato bean soup and cheese (250+165=425)

50+470+20+395+100+160+55+425=1665

Sunday 10/24

Yogurt and granola with grapes (140+45+50=235)
Milk, quesadilla with caramelized onions, and grapes (80+180+220+30+20+50=580)
Coffee with milk and sugar (40+20=60)
Peanut butter (95)
Tomato bean soup topped with avocado (250+50=300)
About half of some tuna and cheese (40+55=95)
100 calorie bar (100)

235+580+60+95+300+95+100=1565

Saturday 10/23

Grits with butter and 1/2 grapefruit (200+100+30=330)
Gorgonzola cheese (100)
Toast (220)
Grocery store samples (40)
Clif builder bar (270)
Mac and cheese with broccoli (310+45+30=385)
Dark chocolate, peanut butter, and milk (80+95+80=255)

330+100+220+40+270+385+255=1600

Froot n veg

Watch me eat 4 servings of fruits and vegetables in one meal:

Steam, adding in order:
1 oz baby carrots, chopped (or regular carrots, I just had leftovers from a group snack)
About 1 small potato, chopped
About 2 leaves Italian kale, cut into strips

In the boiling water cook:
1 egg, then cool in freezer and chop

Toss together and add a dash of salt.

In a separate container toss:
1 apple, chopped into small pieces
Heaping 1/2-cup grapes

Close containers, store in fridge overnight, toss in backpack in the morning, and microwave the veggie mixture at lunchtime. Voila: 4/5 for the day taken care of.

Superfluous weight

Sometimes you gain a pound because you binged for two days in a row. Other times you gain three pounds even though you ate your usual 1600 calories two days in a row, as well as the several days before. Don't we all love hormonally induced weight fluctuations.

NEED MUSIC

I REALLY need another mp3 player. Listening to music is SO important to my psychological health, yet I'm constantly forgetting it, plus music is distracting from certain kinds of studying, which limits the times I can listen. On the other hand, I'm way more willing to push on a boring machine like the elliptical, or go really hard, if I've got a nice beat to carry me along, resulting in more calories burned and more of the exercise high and other benefits. So when my Shuffle broke it really set me back. I could still be burning 400 calories in exercise 3 days a week, easy, if I had that thing.

I put it on my Christmas wishlist, but I don't know if I can wait that long. No, scratch that, of course I CAN wait that long, but I don't know if waiting for someone else to buy it for me is worth the delay in physical benefits and the really quite significant psychological differences I could ride out the semester with. Time to look at prices, I think.

MICROGOAL and weekly summary

I did it! Today I weigh 153.2 at 34.7% body fat. I was 153.0 yesterday, but since I'd lost 2 pounds in one day I wanted to give it another day and make sure it stuck. So I've now lost over 30 pounds, and have less than 20 to go. I'm pretty happy about that and I'm also SO CLOSE to my meso goal, the big big step of being no longer "overweight". It seems like it's taking a long time, but at the same time it doesn't seem so long ago that I'd only lost 7 pounds and wondered if anyone would notice (not on a 180 pound person doofus). Well, rawr! I've got about three and a half pounds left so I think that can happen in 2 or 3 weeks? I will definitely be in the 140s by Thanksgiving.

Quick stats: average kcals/day 1671, 2 yoga, 1 mixed, 1 very long walk, avg balance -435, -2.6 lbs.

Exercise:
Sa: 0
Su: 0
M: 0
T: Mixed CSF workout (40 min, 200cc)
W: 15 min yoga
Th: 1/2 hr yoga and 5 hr walking-trip
F: 0

Food:

Friday 10/22

Eggs and potatoes (175+150=325)
1/2 cheese sandwich and apple (110+110+100=320)
Sweetened yogurt and granola (90+25+15+70=200)
Slice of gorgonzola cheese (60)
Cabbage, potatoes, black beans, and chicken (40+100+115+200=455)
Little bit of granola (70)

325+320+200+60+455+70=1430

Thursday 10/21

Oatmeal with toppings and 1/2 grapefruit (150+25+50+15+40+30=360)
Chicken, potatoes, and broccoli (340+150+50=540)
Ice cream (350)

360+540+350=1250

Wednesday 10/20

Bagel with cream cheese and eggs (260+70+160=490)
Grapes (100)
PB and Nutella sandwich (220+200+195=615)
1/2 cheese sandwich and apple (110+110+100=320)
Black beans with corn, tomatoes, onions, and cheese (115+50+30+110=305)

490+100+615+320+305=1830

Tuesday 10/19

Oatmeal with Nutella & PB, and 1/2 an apple (150+100+50=300)
Slice of processed cheese (50)
Chocolate soymilk (130)
Half cheese sandwich and an orange(110+110+60=280)
Nibbles while making dinner (60)
Pasta with sauce and salad with toppings (200+75+2*[30+50+40+25]=565)
Glass of wine and 16 oz Pabst (125+205=330)

300+50+130+280+60+565+330=1715

Monday 10/18

Bagel with cream cheese, scrambled eggs, and grapes (260+105+140+50=555)
Stir-fried tofu, rice, and cabbage with miso and a plum (100+60+160+30+20+50=420)
Grapes (50)
Rice and beans with cheese, corn, and tomatoes (160+115+220+50+30=575)
Nutella (100)

555+420+50+575+100=1700

Sunday 10/17

Bagel with cream cheese, tomato, and spinach (260+150+30+20=460)
Bread with Nutella and an apple (110+200+100=410)
More Nutella, sigh (200)
Miso soup with tofu (30+10+100=140)

460+410+200+140=1210

Saturday 10/16

Oatmeal with walnuts, dried cranberries, and  cream, and 1/2 grapefruit with sugar (150+50+25+40+30+15=310)
Grapes (100)
2 spoonfuls Nutella (200)
Cabbage soup, bread, cheese, and wine (80+75+80+200=435)
Nibbles while making dinner (50)
Flatbread, hummus, brussels sprouts, and cider (300+165+50+200=715)
Ice cream with Nutella on top (340+200=540)
Flatbread and cheese (100+110=210)

310+100+200+435+50+715+540+210=2560

Thin enough to make thinking about weight a luxury

On 8/1/10 I weighed about 170 and I wrote about how I felt in an awkward middle zone with respect to my weight - how ten pounds heavier, I felt comfortable in the fat-girl niche, and I expected it would take ten pounds lighter to get comfortable from the thin side. I think I was exactly right about that. It was about 160 when I started to feel like I was getting a nice shape and looking normal.

Now, I've been in an interesting headspace. I find all sorts of things to like and congratulate myself on with my body, on the one hand. I'm wearing size 6 jeans for one thing, and I can feel my hips and ribs when I lie back and see my clavicle. On the other hand, I feel like the fat that's there is more obvious, and the skin is looser, and I'd really like it to go away faster. I feel like I can look at my body and take it in, accept it fully without any mental blocking-out, but also be impatient to continue changing it.

I'm still about 5 pounds "overweight", but I feel like I'm now thin enough for worrying about my weight to be a luxury.

Today was a break-even day. I didn't go anywhere or do anything really, so I counted my activity as sedentary except for my little yoga break. My gooey peanut butter and Nutella sandwich pretty much screwed my calorie count by noon, BUT I finished the stuff thereby removing it from the house and instead of letting it turn into a 2500 cal junkfest like I have a couple days recently, I ate a "second lunch" to fix my blood sugar and had a small dinner with lots of veggies and no grains. I typed in the number 1830 and remembered how that was a typical number that came up a lot of times at the beginning of this effort. When I weighed 180, 1830 was an effective restriction. Now, at 155, it's maintenance for a lazy day. At my usual level of activity, I wondered, what weight would it maintain? By trial an error in my spreadsheet, about 125. That's not bad at all. By more experimentation, I get that if I exercise for 200 calories a day and eat 2000 a day, plus usual activity, my maintenance weight is about 120. That would be absolutely reasonable and easy.

I've got to get off my drugs though. I'm fairly good at resisting munchies, but sometimes they come through - I don't eat at a time when I wouldn't have anyway, but I eat, say, a PB & Nutella sandwich instead of a veggie scramble on toast (my original plan, but I guess I abandoned it because there weren't any good scramble vegetables). And even though I don't eat extra in between meals, I'm having to spend energy distracting myself from the thought of food. I keep forgetting to drink water lately too. I say munchies are 55% increased thirst, 35% increased appetite, and 10% increased hunger. Pot doesn't really make me hungry, just... bingey, I guess. But the other thing is, if I've been smoking too much and I have a bit of a tolerance... it'll just make me tired and unmotivated, and then I don't get out and do exercise, and I sit in one spot for hours and so I don't have energy for regular stuff either.

So it's pretty obvious why this is problematic. But coffee. Once I eliminate or reduce pot, then what do I do about coffee? I'll want to drink more, because you take away one chemical buzz and you want to increase the other ones. And coffee is a great appetite suppressant and a great focus drug. I mean, that's really the reason I can never get off it lately, is that I have to focus so much. I spend about 60 hrs a week between class and homework. If I don't get my energy and focus from coffee, I have to get my energy from somewhere else... like food, which is very inefficient. And of course the first thing a reasonable person wants to say to that is take a nap, but I get enough sleep. It's more of a focus issue. If all I had to do for 60 hrs a week was wash dishes or mend clothing or dig holes, it wouldn't matter - but the Fourier transform, the Machiavelli paper, the lab report aren't going to get done unless my mind is sharp. So I really have to do what I have to do. Yet if I drink too much coffee, I start getting tired all the time which makes me need more coffee to function and I just get totally strung out. Sometimes I think it would all be easier if somebody just confirmed that my brain's a little funky-wired, diagnosed me with ADD and anxiety/depression and then gave me some amphetamines and SSRIs, and yeah, I know, that's a dumb chemical quick-fix thought and yet, lately I'm not so sure ADD doesn't apply for me. But I'm rambling at this point and have wandered far from the initial point, which was:

I feel thin enough that fussing about my weight is a luxury.