I confess

I confess that I've not been eating well, and not exercising as much as I want to. I confess that I've been getting into bad habits, habits I know are bad, that I've read about on other people's weight-loss/maintenance blogs. I confess that I've noticed this and made plans to start roughly calorie counting again, only to stop keeping track once I start to eat something that I know will spike the number. I confess that I've been coming up with excuses not to record my weight when it turns out to be 132 something, and avoiding the scale until I think I'm back on track.

I confess that last night, I ate several shots of hot cocoa mix moistened with just enough water to turn it into a paste. I confess that smoking pot each night, I've been getting munchy, then waking up not hungry but knowing I ought to start off with breakfast, and then not really knowing when or how much to eat or being satisfied with it the rest of the day. I confess that the only approximation to a fruit I had today was a glass of orange juice, and the only vegetable was pizza toppings; the rest of the day I ate bagels, coffee, potato chips, and even a 660 calorie muffin.

I confess, because even if I'm going to act stupid I'm damn well gonna document it. I'm not going to ask "buuut how'd I get here?" 10 pounds up the line.

I'm not really sure what the root cause is. I guess it's probably a matrix of interconnected factors. I need to drink more water, but my boyfriend recycled my Vitamin Water bottle when he found my old bike bottles, and those taste like soap even though I've rinsed them a million times. I need to exercise more, but ever since we moved I've been waking up more tired than usual, and it's the end of the term, so I have tons of work, and so I've been either sleeping or doing homework when I would be exercising, although I have gone on a few near-negligible jogs. I also lost my Sansa cord, so I haven't been able to listen to music while I exercise in a long time. Last year, the same time of year, was when I started to really have trouble making the time for exercise, and falling into just these bad habits. Too much coffee, pot, food, and not enough exercise. But is it the time of year, or is it the fact that I met goal and just cut loose too fast? I dunno.

But I promise, I've got a plan. This week, there will be treats, I know. It's the last week of classes. We'll get donuts or whatnot while we fill out course evaluations. Then there will be the big end of year party over the weekend. Then it will be reading week and finals and there will be a lot of free food. But I have planned out all my breakfasts, lunches, and dinners this week. If nothing else, I will cut the bloating and yucky fullness and find out how much of this pound I've "really" gained. I'm eating eggs and fruit and smoothies for breakfast, a little cereal, no toast planned. I'm eating tuna salad wraps and rice cakes with apples and peanut butter for lunch. I plan to cut the gratuitous sweets, the random snacking. One drink after dinner only, whether that's cocoa or alcohol or juice. One serving of free food that sets itself in front of me - if there are donuts, just one donut. And I will do my best, though I don't know how good that will be, to get a full week of exercise: three runs, two yoga classes, and two Pilates classes. Really, if it doesn't get done in the morning I will try to do it in the afternoon. If I can, I will go to both the Pilates classes, even though I only need one more for credit and I really think the class sucks. This week is going to be a balanced week. It will be controlled. Clearly I still need some of that rigidity.