On the cleanse

Last paper is now turned in and I have a few days of breathing/studying room before exams, so I finally have time to talk about my cleanse. The funny thing is that this ended up being the "lets celebrate end of classes with yummies" week (perfectly predictable, I just wasn't thinking) and so I had the unique opportunity to observe my reactions to unusual temptation under unusual restriction.

Day 1 was horrible. Note to self, if I need to withdraw from any substances taper off BEFORE the cleanse starts. I had a nasty caffeine headache and basically took naps all day, which compromised my ability to do work I needed to do. It would have been okay, though, if it wasn't on top of the salt withdrawal. There's plenty of sugar and fat in natural foods, but it turns out there's not a whole lot that naturally grows with significant salt. I felt thirsty and drank and drank but water hardly helped, my skin became dry, and I felt so sluggish and hungry. I felt like I was starving on a perfectly normal amount of food and calories. My body suddenly had no help holding onto its water. At the end of the day, I saw a packet of ramen seasoning in the kitchen and involuntarily twitched toward it. I had to just walk myself away.

Most of those salt issues were gone on day 2. I felt kind of rundown and messed-up physically because I took too much of the laxative herb the night before, but mostly I was just frustrated at all the food I couldn't eat. "This must be what it's like to be on a restrictive diet", I thought, and then realized, oh wait, I AM on a restrictive diet. It's just not one that has weight-loss as its primary aim. But seriously. I went to my conference class where people bring snacks and it was the last class so lots of people brought something, and you know what the menu was? Baguette, cheese including BRIE, crackers, jams, lemon curd, and mixed nuts. All delicious, and not a SINGLE thing on my fucking diet. I was so annoyed.

On day 3 I pretty much felt normal. Donuts appeared in one of my classes, which brought back a brief wave of "god damn it why did I do it THIS week," but there were also tangerines so I took a couple and ate them, allowing me to save the one I'd brought from home until after my workout. I didn't particularly want the donuts at the moment, just regretted passing up the opportunity, so I considered wrapping one in a napkin and putting it in the freezer, but then I decided what did I want a calorie-bomb like that for? If there had been a cream-filled donut I probably would have, but I didn't see one. At this point I began to notice that I was eating only as absolutely necessary, and really not caring very much, because food I was allowed to eat just tasted so boring.

By day 4 I just felt like a weirdo, or maybe an anorexic, as I accepted chocolate kisses from my yoga teacher and cupped them to my nose to smell them, then put them in my pocket knowing I wouldn't eat them until Saturday. I was merely amused as I passed over the donuts, bagels, cream cheese, and coffee outside my 9am class for a cup of Tazo Wild Sweet Orange, which happens to be my favorite herbal tea on the planet. On the way out I grabbed a cup of chamomile. There were kisses at the front of my 10am class too but I didn't take more. This was the day I remembered why I chose this week: next week is finals when I can't be compromised, and the week after is Solstice.

It wasn't until day 5 that I started fantasizing about off-cleanse food. Cheese bagels with asiago cheese-flavored cream cheese, Annie's macaroni and cheese from a box, Caesar salad, Indian curry. And coffee, oh my, I would love my coffee back (funny enough, I haven't thought much about pot in the course of all this). Yet it was in such a way that if someone put it front of me, I'd feast my eyes and my nose and not be tempted at all to put it in my mouth. This was the first raw day, and it was just so hard to eat enough. Coming to dinner and realizing our only chance to top off our calories and get some protein was avocado and a shit-ton of seeds on the salad... well, okay, it works, but geez, no rice and beans even.

It's now day 6. It's not a moment to moment struggle or anything, but I'm ready for this shit to be over. Honestly, I don't particularly feel cleansed - I feel nutritionally depleted. I need some fucking protein (among, I'm sure, other things). My strength in my workouts has been on the decline this week, and I just hope the bananas and almonds I'm going to eat today will pump me up for the Bikram class we're gonna go to this afternoon. I have lost a ton of weight, but I'm not saying how much until tomorrow when I weigh in officially, because I know it's largely bullshit, that is to say, water that was attached to salt.

Today is one more raw day, and then tomorrow will be the juice fast until dinner. I'm actually looking forward to the juice fast a bit, it's just so extreme, I think I can't help but enjoy it for that reason. Also, I'll know that at the end of the day I get to eat Tofurky and yams, and it will be amazing-delicious. Until tomorrow...