Getting a little difficult

I'm increasingly falling off this wagon. My weight for the last week has looked like a sine wave. I've been exercising less, and having more and more days when I give in, say "fuck it" and go ahead and eat 2300 calories, without a good excuse.

It might be that I'm more stressed out. My other questionable coping strategies have certainly been on the rise. And nothing is going to change about that, so it'll just have to bugger off.

I'm certainly exercising less due to not having my music. I stopped doing cardio on yoga days because of genuine obligations, but I've been spotty about my cardio on other days too since my Shuffle broke. I ordered a Sansa yesterday though, so in a week or so I should back to pushing 300-500 cals a session on the elliptical while rocking out and getting my daily dose of cerebellar stimulation.

And finally, maybe I'm not eating enough. Maybe, now that I'm at a lower weight, my body is more sensitive to dietary deficit. It doesn't seem that hard if I'm in a good groove to eat 1400-1600 calories. But then there are the days when I'm pushing 1600 before dinner and I just go... gaaahh. Or when I'm on track to eat 1500, but come dinnertime I am just SO HUNGRY and figure I'd better eat what I want.

I know I had just switched to a lower-exercise, higher-diet plan, but I think I need to implement low-diet, high-exercise. I'm going to relax my standards and aim for 1600-1800 this week, and until further notice. That should still be a minor deficit, but hopefully more sustainable, and once I get my music back I can add dramatic amounts to this from exercise without increasing my appetite much. This is why exercise is important - way easier to burn 2500 calories and eat 1800 than to burn 2000 and eat 1300. Hopefully I'll feel better and be back to losing a solid pound-or-two-a-week within the next couple of weeks. Still hoping to break 150 before Thanksgiving.

Weekly summary

153.4 and 33.8% body fat.

Weekly stats: average kcals/day 1805, 2 cardio, 2 yoga, average daily balance -299, +0.2 lbs.

Activity log:
Sat: 0
Sun: 0
Mon: Outdoor run (2.0 mi)
Tue: 1 hr yoga
Wed: 0
Thurs: 1 hr yoga
Fri: Elliptical (28m, 303c)

One thing I'd just like to point out is that I think yesterday (Friday) was a great example of how to do a party. I anticipated that I would want to eat high calorie food and drink, so I minimized my calories during the day, but still ate several healthy, small meals. I also made sure to work out and racked up a couple of hundred negative calories there. Once I was there, I ate a bit of everything I wanted, but didn't mindlessly munch, and drank the perfect amount to get fairly silly with minimal hangover. I ended up with a surplus, but it was a small one due to my pre-emptive measures.

Food journal:

Friday 10/29

Buttered toasted bagel half, 2 eggs, and 1/2 grapefruit (110+50+180+30=370)
Rockfish, brussels sprouts, and rice (100+50+160=310)
100 calorie bar (100)
Bagel half with peanut butter and honey (110+95+30=235)
Cheesy bread, pizza, cookie, sushi, veggies, chips, and birthday cake (150+350+150+75+25+150+150=1000)
4 whiskey drinks with varying amounts of mixers (420+65+65+20=570)

370+310+100+1000+570=2585

Thursday 10/28

Oatmeal with dark chocolate, cinnamon, sugar, and milk (150+30+15+80=275)
Chocolate soymilk (130)
Rice and beans with cheese and tomatoes (160+115+110+40=425)
Leftover pasta and sauce (225)
Mixed nuts (85)
Rockfish, brussels sprouts, and potatoes (200+50+100=350)

275+130+425+225+85+350=1490

Wednesday 10/27

Bagel with egg patty and cheddar and chocolate (220+70+110+160=560)
Kale, potatoes, carrots and boiled egg with apple and grape salad (30+100+35+70+100+50=385)
2 cookies and Dr. Pepper (250+100=350)
1 slice pizza (300)
Rockstar energy drink (260)

560+385+350+300+260=1855

Tuesday 10/26

Oatmeal with dark chocolate, PB, sugar, and a glass of milk (150+55+95+15+160=475)
Apple (100)
Cheese and veggie wrap (180+165+30=375)
Honey green tea and 100 calorie bar (40+100=140)
Pasta with sauce and nutri-yeast and salad with cheese (300+50+50+20+165=585)
Balance bar (200)

475+100+375+140+585+200=1875

Monday 10/25

Grapes pre-run (50)
Bagel with cream cheese and 2 eggs (220+70+180=470)
Jolly Rancher (20)
Tuna, tomato and avocado wrap (180+75+40+100=395)
100 calorie bar (100)
Honey green tea, baby carrots and hummus (60+35+65=160)
Dark chocolate (55)
Tomato bean soup and cheese (250+165=425)

50+470+20+395+100+160+55+425=1665

Sunday 10/24

Yogurt and granola with grapes (140+45+50=235)
Milk, quesadilla with caramelized onions, and grapes (80+180+220+30+20+50=580)
Coffee with milk and sugar (40+20=60)
Peanut butter (95)
Tomato bean soup topped with avocado (250+50=300)
About half of some tuna and cheese (40+55=95)
100 calorie bar (100)

235+580+60+95+300+95+100=1565

Saturday 10/23

Grits with butter and 1/2 grapefruit (200+100+30=330)
Gorgonzola cheese (100)
Toast (220)
Grocery store samples (40)
Clif builder bar (270)
Mac and cheese with broccoli (310+45+30=385)
Dark chocolate, peanut butter, and milk (80+95+80=255)

330+100+220+40+270+385+255=1600

Froot n veg

Watch me eat 4 servings of fruits and vegetables in one meal:

Steam, adding in order:
1 oz baby carrots, chopped (or regular carrots, I just had leftovers from a group snack)
About 1 small potato, chopped
About 2 leaves Italian kale, cut into strips

In the boiling water cook:
1 egg, then cool in freezer and chop

Toss together and add a dash of salt.

In a separate container toss:
1 apple, chopped into small pieces
Heaping 1/2-cup grapes

Close containers, store in fridge overnight, toss in backpack in the morning, and microwave the veggie mixture at lunchtime. Voila: 4/5 for the day taken care of.

Superfluous weight

Sometimes you gain a pound because you binged for two days in a row. Other times you gain three pounds even though you ate your usual 1600 calories two days in a row, as well as the several days before. Don't we all love hormonally induced weight fluctuations.

NEED MUSIC

I REALLY need another mp3 player. Listening to music is SO important to my psychological health, yet I'm constantly forgetting it, plus music is distracting from certain kinds of studying, which limits the times I can listen. On the other hand, I'm way more willing to push on a boring machine like the elliptical, or go really hard, if I've got a nice beat to carry me along, resulting in more calories burned and more of the exercise high and other benefits. So when my Shuffle broke it really set me back. I could still be burning 400 calories in exercise 3 days a week, easy, if I had that thing.

I put it on my Christmas wishlist, but I don't know if I can wait that long. No, scratch that, of course I CAN wait that long, but I don't know if waiting for someone else to buy it for me is worth the delay in physical benefits and the really quite significant psychological differences I could ride out the semester with. Time to look at prices, I think.

MICROGOAL and weekly summary

I did it! Today I weigh 153.2 at 34.7% body fat. I was 153.0 yesterday, but since I'd lost 2 pounds in one day I wanted to give it another day and make sure it stuck. So I've now lost over 30 pounds, and have less than 20 to go. I'm pretty happy about that and I'm also SO CLOSE to my meso goal, the big big step of being no longer "overweight". It seems like it's taking a long time, but at the same time it doesn't seem so long ago that I'd only lost 7 pounds and wondered if anyone would notice (not on a 180 pound person doofus). Well, rawr! I've got about three and a half pounds left so I think that can happen in 2 or 3 weeks? I will definitely be in the 140s by Thanksgiving.

Quick stats: average kcals/day 1671, 2 yoga, 1 mixed, 1 very long walk, avg balance -435, -2.6 lbs.

Exercise:
Sa: 0
Su: 0
M: 0
T: Mixed CSF workout (40 min, 200cc)
W: 15 min yoga
Th: 1/2 hr yoga and 5 hr walking-trip
F: 0

Food:

Friday 10/22

Eggs and potatoes (175+150=325)
1/2 cheese sandwich and apple (110+110+100=320)
Sweetened yogurt and granola (90+25+15+70=200)
Slice of gorgonzola cheese (60)
Cabbage, potatoes, black beans, and chicken (40+100+115+200=455)
Little bit of granola (70)

325+320+200+60+455+70=1430

Thursday 10/21

Oatmeal with toppings and 1/2 grapefruit (150+25+50+15+40+30=360)
Chicken, potatoes, and broccoli (340+150+50=540)
Ice cream (350)

360+540+350=1250

Wednesday 10/20

Bagel with cream cheese and eggs (260+70+160=490)
Grapes (100)
PB and Nutella sandwich (220+200+195=615)
1/2 cheese sandwich and apple (110+110+100=320)
Black beans with corn, tomatoes, onions, and cheese (115+50+30+110=305)

490+100+615+320+305=1830

Tuesday 10/19

Oatmeal with Nutella & PB, and 1/2 an apple (150+100+50=300)
Slice of processed cheese (50)
Chocolate soymilk (130)
Half cheese sandwich and an orange(110+110+60=280)
Nibbles while making dinner (60)
Pasta with sauce and salad with toppings (200+75+2*[30+50+40+25]=565)
Glass of wine and 16 oz Pabst (125+205=330)

300+50+130+280+60+565+330=1715

Monday 10/18

Bagel with cream cheese, scrambled eggs, and grapes (260+105+140+50=555)
Stir-fried tofu, rice, and cabbage with miso and a plum (100+60+160+30+20+50=420)
Grapes (50)
Rice and beans with cheese, corn, and tomatoes (160+115+220+50+30=575)
Nutella (100)

555+420+50+575+100=1700

Sunday 10/17

Bagel with cream cheese, tomato, and spinach (260+150+30+20=460)
Bread with Nutella and an apple (110+200+100=410)
More Nutella, sigh (200)
Miso soup with tofu (30+10+100=140)

460+410+200+140=1210

Saturday 10/16

Oatmeal with walnuts, dried cranberries, and  cream, and 1/2 grapefruit with sugar (150+50+25+40+30+15=310)
Grapes (100)
2 spoonfuls Nutella (200)
Cabbage soup, bread, cheese, and wine (80+75+80+200=435)
Nibbles while making dinner (50)
Flatbread, hummus, brussels sprouts, and cider (300+165+50+200=715)
Ice cream with Nutella on top (340+200=540)
Flatbread and cheese (100+110=210)

310+100+200+435+50+715+540+210=2560

Thin enough to make thinking about weight a luxury

On 8/1/10 I weighed about 170 and I wrote about how I felt in an awkward middle zone with respect to my weight - how ten pounds heavier, I felt comfortable in the fat-girl niche, and I expected it would take ten pounds lighter to get comfortable from the thin side. I think I was exactly right about that. It was about 160 when I started to feel like I was getting a nice shape and looking normal.

Now, I've been in an interesting headspace. I find all sorts of things to like and congratulate myself on with my body, on the one hand. I'm wearing size 6 jeans for one thing, and I can feel my hips and ribs when I lie back and see my clavicle. On the other hand, I feel like the fat that's there is more obvious, and the skin is looser, and I'd really like it to go away faster. I feel like I can look at my body and take it in, accept it fully without any mental blocking-out, but also be impatient to continue changing it.

I'm still about 5 pounds "overweight", but I feel like I'm now thin enough for worrying about my weight to be a luxury.

Today was a break-even day. I didn't go anywhere or do anything really, so I counted my activity as sedentary except for my little yoga break. My gooey peanut butter and Nutella sandwich pretty much screwed my calorie count by noon, BUT I finished the stuff thereby removing it from the house and instead of letting it turn into a 2500 cal junkfest like I have a couple days recently, I ate a "second lunch" to fix my blood sugar and had a small dinner with lots of veggies and no grains. I typed in the number 1830 and remembered how that was a typical number that came up a lot of times at the beginning of this effort. When I weighed 180, 1830 was an effective restriction. Now, at 155, it's maintenance for a lazy day. At my usual level of activity, I wondered, what weight would it maintain? By trial an error in my spreadsheet, about 125. That's not bad at all. By more experimentation, I get that if I exercise for 200 calories a day and eat 2000 a day, plus usual activity, my maintenance weight is about 120. That would be absolutely reasonable and easy.

I've got to get off my drugs though. I'm fairly good at resisting munchies, but sometimes they come through - I don't eat at a time when I wouldn't have anyway, but I eat, say, a PB & Nutella sandwich instead of a veggie scramble on toast (my original plan, but I guess I abandoned it because there weren't any good scramble vegetables). And even though I don't eat extra in between meals, I'm having to spend energy distracting myself from the thought of food. I keep forgetting to drink water lately too. I say munchies are 55% increased thirst, 35% increased appetite, and 10% increased hunger. Pot doesn't really make me hungry, just... bingey, I guess. But the other thing is, if I've been smoking too much and I have a bit of a tolerance... it'll just make me tired and unmotivated, and then I don't get out and do exercise, and I sit in one spot for hours and so I don't have energy for regular stuff either.

So it's pretty obvious why this is problematic. But coffee. Once I eliminate or reduce pot, then what do I do about coffee? I'll want to drink more, because you take away one chemical buzz and you want to increase the other ones. And coffee is a great appetite suppressant and a great focus drug. I mean, that's really the reason I can never get off it lately, is that I have to focus so much. I spend about 60 hrs a week between class and homework. If I don't get my energy and focus from coffee, I have to get my energy from somewhere else... like food, which is very inefficient. And of course the first thing a reasonable person wants to say to that is take a nap, but I get enough sleep. It's more of a focus issue. If all I had to do for 60 hrs a week was wash dishes or mend clothing or dig holes, it wouldn't matter - but the Fourier transform, the Machiavelli paper, the lab report aren't going to get done unless my mind is sharp. So I really have to do what I have to do. Yet if I drink too much coffee, I start getting tired all the time which makes me need more coffee to function and I just get totally strung out. Sometimes I think it would all be easier if somebody just confirmed that my brain's a little funky-wired, diagnosed me with ADD and anxiety/depression and then gave me some amphetamines and SSRIs, and yeah, I know, that's a dumb chemical quick-fix thought and yet, lately I'm not so sure ADD doesn't apply for me. But I'm rambling at this point and have wandered far from the initial point, which was:

I feel thin enough that fussing about my weight is a luxury.

Genetics

People talk about their natural shape, whether they're genetically thin or fat. I honestly have no idea. I haven't eaten "naturally" in a long time - either I've been driven by conditioning, coupled with ignorance, to overeat, or recently, counting calories. There were a couple of times since moving out that I lived by myself with relatively low stress and felt I was eating normally, but those periods didn't last long enough for my weight to stabilize.

My maternal grandma is a petite little thing. She's 5'2" and has been something like 110 pounds most of her life. My mom is taller, 5'6", and slender. She's usually been 120-130 as far as I know and she has sizes from 4 to 10 in her drawers. My grandpa died before I was born, but I get the impression he was lean, and my uncle is appropriately bird-boned. So I should be naturally skinny.

My paternal grandma is 4'10" and I have no idea what she weighs, but her pants must be at least size 16, if not bigger. I only have one aunt on that side, and she's... plump. She doesn't look bad, but I wouldn't want to be her size at my age. Stocky is probably the best word to describe the men of the family, who range from a little dumpy to hard and lean, but in no case light and in most cases tall. My dad himself was a wiry teen and a lean young adult, but he's starting to pack some pudge now that he's approaching middle age. So I should be naturally not-skinny.

After observing for a while, I think I've got my mom's bones and my dad's fat pattern. I've probably got a real wide natural range as a result. I'm probably inclined "naturally" to eat up and pack it into butt and boobs. But I'm not large-framed. I also have the room to dump a lot of the fat without stripping down to the bones, and thus be "naturally" thin like my mom. Needless to say, that is what I prefer to do. Between my two grandmas, I'd rather be a size 2 at 65 than a size 20 (guessing at the numbers, obviously, just to make the point). I just hope the high weights I've reached in my teens are the top of the ladder, that I will continue to lose, find a stable weight between 120-135, and when middle age hits, that I will recalculate the numbers and maintain, or at least, not exceed 150 or size 12.

Size inflation, like grade inflation, and taking care of my appearance

I went to the store to get some new pants yesterday. All the pants I used to wear are too big, and the size 8's I'm in now still fit fine, but are getting relaxed enough that I thought I might be able to fit into 8 jeans as well (I've noticed size X jeans are always tighter than size X other kinds of pants). I haven't worn jeans in a long time because the last jeans I had were 10s, which I wore for a while and then gained 20 pounds in, weakening a number of spots significantly, and once jeans spring a leak you can patch them over and over but it's hard to, for instance, climb trees without re-busting the stitches. I also thought I might get a new shirt since most of my shirts are getting loose and I'd really like to have a cute outfit.

The punch line of the story is I'm wearing 6P jeans right now and it's totally bullshit.

It's bullshit because my 8 pants are just loosening up, and because the 8-med of the other brand of jeans I tried was a bit tight. The 8-med of this brand fit great, but such that they'd loosen up too soon with a few more pounds. The 6P is snug, but by no means uncomfortable. More bullshit? There was a pair of 4-med Dockers that fit okay. I don't believe for an instant that I'm anywhere near a 4. It's hard to believe that 5 pounds ago the 8s started fitting but I could be approaching a 6 now, I mean come on, a size is at least 10 pounds. But most of all, it's bullshit that I'm in a "petite" size. My best-fitting jeans before were also "petites" in size 10. I know petite people, and they are like five feet tall, maybe five-two. I'm 5'5", one inch taller than the average U.S. woman. I'm not fuckin' petite. What do truly short women wear, when even for me regular jeans either sit too high or the hems drag in the mud?

Anyway, it's bullshit, but I'm still pretty happy to be wearing a 6. I also bought a purple long-sleeved shirt (I like purple, but my purple T-shirt wore out even before I gained all my weight) and a new bra, which is a 34/M in "barelythere" sizing. It's super comfy.

I also kinda decided to start taking care of my appearance more in general. I've been really busy with school, y'know, and I haven't had much of a social life, so having this break and seeing one of my old friends from high school has made me realize how I'm not just stressed, but also kind of neglecting my sense of self. That's not just in appearance obviously, but paying attention to my appearance I think forces me to pay attention to my self-concept more, and it's one method of modulating confidence. It's hard to care about your appearance when you don't HAVE cute clothes that fit, but having these new clothes makes me feel like I really can try to dress nice and look, for now just put-together, but later genuinely slim. I have been washing my hair with usually just soap for about 2 years, and while I was getting clothes I also got some Burt's Bees avocado butter and treated my hair with it last night. Then I washed it with the shampoo and conditioner that I will be bringing to the gym, which is where I take most of my showers lately. It's so much lighter, dare I say glossier, but mostly, it lies flat since last night. And my hair's getting long enough that I actually need to brush it sometimes. Hopefully this week I will get back in touch with wearing cute clothes, brushing my hair, keeping it pretty, maybe even wear a little makeup (nevermind that my boyfriend doesn't like it).

Weekly summary and monthly averages

Today I'm 155.8 and 35.2% body fat. It's also the first weekend of my fall break, and I'd really like to hit 154.6 and break underneath 35% body fat by the end of the break. Sound doable?

It's also passed the 11th of October so I can tell you how much I've lost each month so far:

June-July: 10 lbs
July-August: 4.4
August-September: 8.6
September-October: 5.4

Based on this pattern, I hope to have another good loss this coming month. If I can lose just 7.4 pounds in the next 11-to-11 period, then I will meet my current meso goal! That would put us at November 11th and I could still probably expect to lose 5 pounds the next month, putting a little space between me and 150 before even hitting Thanksgiving. Even if I do nothing but maintain over most of the holiday season, I'll be in good shape by the time I go back to school.

Quick stats: average kcals/day 1771, 2 cardio, 2 strength, 2 yoga, avg balance -360, -1.0 lb.

Friday 10/15

Scrambled eggs with cheese and mini bagel with butter and jam (140+110+110+65+10=435)
Banana (100)
Coffee with cream and sugar (30)
Mini bagel with cheese, apple, and cabbage soup (110+110+100+40=360)
Vanilla wafers and Junior mints (200+40=240)
Black Boss Porter (280)
Spoonful of peanut butter (95)
Cabbage soup, bread, and cheese (80+600+220=900)
Clif bar (240)

435+30+360+240+280+95+900+240=2680 + Elliptical (18m, 226c) and 1 set pull-ups

Thursday 10/14

Yogurt, granola, and 1/2 grapefruit with sugar (90+140+30+15=275)
Apple and peanut butter (100+190=290)
Handful of Goldfish crackers (30)
Spinach-cranberry-walnut-gorgonzola salad with dressing and a mini bagel (20+50+50+100+90+110=420)
Salmon, rice, and peas (340+115+70=525)

275+290+30+420+525=1540 + 1 hr yoga

Wednesday 10/13

Mini bagel with cream cheese and an egg (110+35+90=235)
Banana (100)
Pasta with sauce and tuna (300+75+75=450)
Coffee with cocoa and dry milk (110)
Pear chunks, almonds, and honey (25+100+60=185)
Gorgonzola crumbles and dried cranberries (50+50=100)
Lentils and rice (230)
Espresso with cream and sugar (55)
Mini bagel with butter (110+50=160)

235+100+450+110+185+100+230+55+160=1625

Tuesday 10/12

Yogurt and granola (90+140=230)
Pear (100)
Chicken Caesar salad and coffee with cream and sugar (550+95=645)
Grocery store samples (50)
Pasta with sauce and spinach-cranberry-walnut-gorgonzola salad with dressing (250+50+20+25+50+50+50=495)

230+100+645+50+495=1520 + 1 hr yoga

Monday 10/11

1/2 ciabatta roll with Tofurky sausage and egg (75+100+70=245)
Banana (100)
Tofurky sausage and cheese sandwich on a roll and an apple (150+120+110+100=480)
White grape juice (160)
Cabbage soup, Tofurky sausage, and ciabatta roll (80+180+150=410)
Ice cream (125)

245+100+480+160+410+125=1520 + Elliptical (16m, 202c) and 1 set pull-ups

Sunday 10/10

Breakfast at my parents' (740)
    Scrambled eggs
    Veggie sausage
    Baguette slices with goat cheese and olive spread
    Cantaloupe
    Milk
Mini bagel and cream cheese (155)
4 Twizzlers (120)
Cabbage soup, Tofurky sausage, and ciabatta roll (80+240+150=470)

740+155+120+470=1485

Saturday 10/9

Scrambled eggs, buttered toast, and cantaloupe (140+20+40+110+100+100=510)
Ice cream (75)
Rice and beans with cheese (340)
Ice cream (75)
Sparkling lemon green tea (90)
Chunk of mozzarella (80)
Pizza (800)
Espresso with cream and sugar (55)

510+75+340+75+90+80+800+55=2025

Weekly summary

156.8 and 35.5% body fat. Weight-wise, we are back to freshman and sophomore year of high school.

Sometimes I'm surprised at how easy this is. My ticker is visibly more than halfway to goal, and my goal is to lose 50 pounds! All I did was start keeping track of the numbers, and then do my datamonkey thing, and in 4 months I've lost almost twice as much as I ever did in high school (which, each time, took 3-4 months). Sometimes I do struggle with what I know to be counterproductive impulses, or find it hard to eat as few calories as I want to for the day, but even when I indulge I still usually push a deficit. It just might not be -500. It's also so strange how it wasn't hard for me to overeat in the range of 2200-2500 for years, and just a nice dinner with drinks can go over 1000 without seeming like a lot - yet in my everyday life, now, 2000 calories seems like a ton of food. I feel now like it would be hard to maintain a weight that required more than 1800 cals a day.

Quick stats: average kcals/day 1747, 1 cardio, 2 yoga, 1 CSF, average est. balance -372, -1.6 lbs.

To put this in better perspective, I've lost net 0.8 pounds in the last 2 weeks, or 4.8 pounds since the beginning of phase 2 (a little less than 4 weeks ago).

This week I did a mixed workout, where I transitioned quickly according to what I felt like between treadmill, elliptical, resistance machines, and yoga. I'm calling that a "CSF workout" for cardio-strength-flexibility. If I only did two of those things in a mixed workout, I could abbreviate it accordingly.Also, "cc" indicates "calories computed", meaning the calories the machines told me I burned, and then I estimate the rest.


I also have new notation for the food part, in connection with my "healthy diet" evaluation. V = servings of fruits and vegetables, d = servings of dairy (that are NOT empty food), M = ate meat that day, E = percent of empty calories. I will have to come up with a scale that standardizes these variables to each other if I want to do a weekly evaluation though.

Friday 10/8

Toast with peanut butter, vanilla yogurt, and 1 grapefruit with sugar (110+95+105+60+30=400)
Cheese, tomato, and avocado sandwich  and coffee with coca (220+110+20+100+45=495)
Apple and cheese (100+110=210)
Black-eyed peas & cabbage over rice, brussels sprouts, and wine (250+40+125=415)
Ice cream (450)

400+450+45+210+415+450=1970 + Mixed CSF workout (40 min, 218cc)
V=5, d=3, E=27%

Thursday 10/7

Oatmeal with cream and sugar, 1/2 grapefruit with sugar(150+40+30+30+15=265)
Peanut butter sandwich, apple, and coffee with cocoa/powdered milk (220+190+100+70+60=640)
Baby avocado (100)
Gum (5)
Chicken, potatoes, a few oil-baked asparagus and snap peas (300+150+75=525)

265+640+100+5+525=1535 + 1 hr yoga
V=4, d=1, M, E=8%

Wednesday 10/6

1 egg, 1 slice buttered toast, and 2 kiwis (70+110+100+100=380)
2 cups coffee with cocoa and/or powdered milk (90+15+60+35=200)
Tuna and cheese sandwich (110+110+75=295)
Chocolate chip cookie and apple chunks (115+25=140)
Rice and beans with corn, tomato, and avocado (230+50+20+100=400)
2 spoonfuls peanut butter (190)

380+200+295+140+400+190=1605 + Outdoor run (1.0 mi) and walk (1.0 mi) and trunc. pull-ups
V=4, d=2, M, E=18%

Tuesday 10/5

Granola and yogurt (250+105=355)
2 cups coffee with cocoa and nonfat dry milk (220)
Avocado and egg sandwich and a pluot (70+100+100+70=340)
Skim milk (110)
Matzo ball soup/5 balls, and tuna with olive oil and mustard (250+75+10=335)

355+220+340+110+335=1360 + 1 hr yoga

Monday 10/4

Egg, toast, vanilla yogurt, and 1/2 grapefruit with sugar (70+110+105+30+15=330)
TC sandwich and kiwi (430+50=480)
Tortilla chips, American cheese slices, and hot cocoa (100+100+90=290)
Caprese crackers (65+75+40=180)
Pluot, baby avocado, and a slice of bread (70+80+100=250)
Spoonful of peanut butter and chai with cream and sugar (95+50+30=175)
2 spoonfuls cream cheese (90)

330+480+290+180+250+175+90=1795 + no exercise

Sunday 10/3

Breakfast out (795)
    Potatoes and ketchup (400+45=445)
    Veggie sausage (240)
    Coffee and cream (45+30=75)
    Small almond cookie (25)
Apple and peanut butter (100+190=290)
Bean soup and cheese (300+220=520)

795+290+520=1605 + no exercise

Saturday 10/2

Bread with cream cheese (200+135=335)
Odwalla bar (210)
Piece of starfruit (10)
Quart of chocolate soymilk (600)
Mac and cheese with tuna and peas (300+50+50+75=475)
ThinkThin bar (230)
Bread and butter (100+100=200)
Ice cream (300)

335+210+10+600+475+230+200+300=2360 + no exercise

Caloric variation

Caloric variation is supposed to be a way to lose weight faster and more consistently, but it doesn't seem to work for me. I've had two weeks so far where I noticed my calorie count bounced around a lot - 1400, 1700, maybe a day or two breaking 2000 and one down at 1200-1300. And on both those weeks my weight dawdled around, going a little this way, a little that way, averaging out to very little loss for the week. On the other hand, when for several days in a row all my calorie counts are within 100-200 calories, I usually see a good loss that week, and if I gain for a couple of days, a dramatic loss is almost sure to follow.

Testing

As a test of my "healthy diet" standards, I'm evaluating what I ate today and what I'm planning to eat tomorrow. Let's see how it works out.

Today:
4 fruits and veggies (not quite 5 but not bad)
Egg/toast, tuna/bread, rice/beans meal pairs (good)

2 dairy (good)
290/1605 "empty" calories = 18% (a bit high...)

Tomorrow:
4-5 fruits and veggies depending (getting there)
Oatmeal/yogurt, peanut butter/bread, chicken/potatoes meal pairs (good)
2 dairy (good)
145/1670 "empty" calories = 9% (wow nice)

Hopefully by monitoring, especially the produce and empty calories, I can get this really good and still feel alright when eating fairly low calorie. I hope I can get it so that my calorie counts are routinely in the 1500s (as they've been routinely in the 1600s for a while).

What is a healthy diet?

As my BMR declines and I have to compensate for reduced exercise with stricter diet, I find myself more often feeling exhausted on lower-calorie days. I'm never going below 1200, but sometimes when I'm below 1600 I get through the day with few calories, and I've eaten in a such a way that I don't really feel hungry, but something feels physically unsatisfied. Which got me wondering if sometimes I'm not getting enough real nutrients. It's easy to get enough essential nutrients on 2000/day. It's no doubt possible for 1600, and possibly down to 1200, but you have to be more careful and make sure most of the calories come with good nutrition. So what is a healthy diet? I do not have the time and energy to invest in looking up RDIs for all the vitamins and minerals, let alone make up a meal plan that isn't repetitive and fulfills everything, but the simpler models of a healthy diet aren't so helpful. One model I heard a lot growing up essentially says, minimize dairy, minimize carbs, minimize salt, moderate fruit... okay so I'm eating nothing but beans and veggies. That's realistic. The food pyramid model is easier to work with, but it simply doesn't work because the minimum number of servings of everything adds up to way more calories that I'm eating. So, what tests could I apply to my diet to determine if I'm eating healthy?

I'm going to provisionally define a healthy diet as:

- 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day
- A complex carb and a protein at every meal
- No more than 10-20% of calories from "empty" sources like oils, added sugar, alcohol, and refined or artificial carbs and fats
- At least 1 and no more than 3 servings of dairy per day
- Fish 1-2x a week
- Total meat (fish and fowl only for me) no more than 2-3x a week

I'm of course aware that vegan diets and meat-heavier diets can be healthy, even at low calorie values (and in fact most vegan diets are low calorie by default) but given my actual dietary preferences this seems like a good way to spread out nutritional needs. Now I need to look at my food journal and see how well it adheres to these standards. I think I will need to start insisting on vegetables in dinner no matter what, and also try to have a vegetable and a fruit at lunch because I simply don't eat those things for afternoon snacks - sometimes I don't eat an afternoon snack at all, but if I do it has to be denser than that. Another thing to look at is "empty" calories. If my target calories are 1500, then I should be limited to about 200 "empty" calories.

Different indices tell me different things

My 3 days of snacking and inactivity are still lingering, I'm up again today to 159.8 (geez). On the other hand, my body fat percentage was 34.6, which was surprising enough on its own after 35.7 yesterday, and then after my shower it read 33.0. I'm not sure what to believe there, we'll see if it sticks to its story tomorrow, but I went to measure myself and see what was up. I've lost another half inch off my waist to make a round 30, and my thigh is down to 24 even. So maybe I have lost significant fat.

Still, some downward progress tomorrow please? I ate 1360 calories yesterday and went for my run this morning, I think I deserve it.

Shifting my focus

So I gave in to after-dinner snacking even though I wasn't really hungry the past few days. I don't know what's up with that - the night eating thing has never really been my style. I basically broke even for about three days (including the party day) and then pushed, oh, -250 or so the past couple of days. It's something, but it's not much.

The other reason I pushed so little of a deficit yesterday was that my iPod finally died. It's an old Shuffle that I've had since I was fifteen, and the on-switch was getting sticky so you had to push real hard, push oppositely on the other side at the same time, and try it more than once. Yesterday was the day it just wouldn't turn on. I was very disappointed because I'd just put together a new playlist I was excited to listen to. So yesterday I didn't do any exercise because I didn't want to ellipticize without music and just sort of didn't feel like doing pull-ups. Yeah, I know.

So today I'm getting back on the wagon. I've had yoga and 915 calories so far, I'm going to get some milk to drink when I'm done writing this, then go home for dinner. But I need to shift my focus from lots of exercise and moderate diet, to some exercise and stricter diet. If I do yoga the mornings I have class, and run 2+ miles on other weekday mornings, I have 200 calories of exercise 5 days a week. Then, if I eat no more than 1700 calories a day, I should still lose a pound a week. That sequesters the exercise in the morning and doesn't require music, which makes it more manageable. I feel like, when I don't do any exercise at all, my diet is hard to manage. But even if I don't burn a ton of calories, just a little exercise makes it easy to restrict pretty hard. As far as my pull-ups, I occasionally skip a day out of boredom or discouragement, but I don't think I'll really lapse because I know I'll lose all my progress since I do nothing else of magnitude with my arms.

I also need to chill out and continue working even though it's getting hard to put my all into it, both schedule wise and in terms of motivation. I'm in the low end of what I've weighed before which simultaneously makes me impatient to lose-these-10-pounds-already and break 150, but also makes me feel not really fat, basically the same shape as everybody else, and therefore, not a big deal if I only maintain for some reason. So, I'm re-setting my attention on the next microgoal. 154.6 is the short range target. Just 5 pounds, so I can claim 30 pounds lost. Just 5 pounds, so these pants will fit a little looser and I can ride my bike comfortably with yoga shorts underneath them. Just 5 pounds.

What is wrong with me???

I had eaten a normal breakfast, then a snack after shopping, kinda skipped lunch by drinking a carton of chocolate soymilk instead. Then I had normal dinner and I was at a perfectly reasonable 1650 calories.

Then I really wanted my protein bar - my ThinkThin bar, haha - and so I ate it. Nom nom nom. And then I calculated everything and entered my calories and saw I was still at a deficit of 162. And then I ran downstairs and made bread and butter, meaning to stick together 150, but ending up with 200. I added it up again and found myself at a surplus of 38.

And now I'm sitting here, feeling a little uncomfortably stuffed, and food-dazed. And STILL I am thinking of actually walking over to the store and getting an ice cream cup, which I KNOW is 300 extra calories and will not make me feel any better.

But it sounds so good.

What the hell is wrong with me? Is this my body's cruel way of saying "nyah, nyah, won't let you maintain me below 160!"? Fuuuck that shit.

Weekly summary and parties don't come cheap

158.4 and 35.1% body fat. It's up from last week, but down from two days ago, and I've been having such wild weight fluctuations (despite no real changes in my habits) these past couple of weeks that I'm happy to say I've lost two pounds since three weeks ago and haven't popped above 160 for a morning weight since I first got below it. I have no idea what my "real" weight is when I gain or lose a pound a day for no apparent reason for this long.

Anyway, I went to this party last night. I knew we were going but
I hadn't really thought about making calorie allowances for it. On the other hand, I can't get through the first 12 hours of the day on much less than 1070 calories anyway, so it probably wouldn't have made a difference if I had. Anyway, I arrived at the party and saw: drinks, hors d'oeuvres, an enormous chocolate cake, and a number of aluminum foil covered baking dishes. I just thought to myself... practice moderation and hope for the best.

So I practiced moderation and ate 1310 calories.

The ridiculous thing is that REALLY WAS practicing moderation. Over the course of the evening, I had 2 glasses of wine and half a glass of champagne. That's more than I've been drinking at an ordinary dinner lately, but much less than I used to drink at similar occasions (4-5 drinks). For appetizers I had a couple of crackers with brie but mostly vegetables. My main dinner was actually around the same size as usual, and I did not have bread or take seconds of anything. When the cake came around, I didn't finish my slice, and I found that I genuinely was done with it - it was too sweet and rich to really enjoy the rest.

It's the dessert and alcohol's fault, really. They are absolutely shameless. Funny thing though, even after that, bringing my total to 2380, according to my spreadsheet I had a sliver of a deficit at -95. In fact, I'd say that's within my margin of error, but it's nice to know that even with a special occasion like that I can essentially break even.

Quick stats: average kcals/day 1729, 4 cardio, 3 strength, 2 yoga, average est. balance -574, +0.8 lbs.

Food journal:

Friday 10/1

Toast with cream cheese and scrambled egg (100+45+70=215)
Apple (100)
PBJ sandwich and milk (200+190+25+160=575)
Stonewall Jerquee (180)
Retirement party (1310)
    2 glasses wine and small glass champagne (325)
    Hors d'oeuvres (100)
    Salmon, potatoes au gratin, and salad (260+250+75=585)
    Chocolate cake (300)

215+100+575+180+1310=2380

Thursday 9/30

Oatmeal with cream and sugar (150+60+30=240)
Apple (100)
Quesadilla, rice, beans, peas, and corn (120+220+115+40=495)
Coffee with milk and sugar (45)
Coffee, and milk mostly separately (160)
Tofu tikka masala over rice (100+100+115=315)
Banana bread (200)

240+100+495+45+160+315+200=1555

Wednesday 9/29

Banana bread, scrambled eggs with cheese, and tea (200+140+110=450)
TCC sandwich, apple, and coffee with milk (430+100+20=550)
Coffee with milk, peanut butter cups, and shortbread cookie (20+180+65=265)
Red beans and rice with peas and corn (200+85=285)
Banana bread (100)

450+550+265+285+100=1650

Tuesday 9/28

1 slice banana bread and honey lemon yogurt (200+60+90=350)
Apple and boiled egg (100+70=170)
Rice, lentils, cauliflower soup, sugar snap peas and a kiwi (115+165+100+35+50=465)
Coffee with skim x2 (20)
Tortellini and sauce (360+70=430)

350+170+465+20+430=1435

Monday 9/27

2 slices banana bread and 1/2 grapefruit with sugar (400+30+15=445)
Banana and boiled egg (100+70=170)
Cauliflower soup, falafel, hummus, and raita (100+160+105+40=405)
Coffee with milk x2 (40)
Sugar snap peas (35)
Bite of Bavarian bread (10)
Rice, lentils, and wine (170+165+125=460)
2 slices banana bread and spoonful of cream cheese (400+45=445)

445+170+405+40+35+10+460+445=2010

Sunday 9/26

Banana (100)
Egg and toast with cream cheese (90+100+45=235)
Flatbread, hummus, falafel, and raita (100+65+160+40=365)
Flatbread (100)
Cauliflower soup, falafel, and kiwi (200+160+50=410)
Banana bread batter (100)

100+235+365+100+410+100=1310

Saturday 9/25

Oatmeal with cream and sugar and coffee (150+40+30=220)
Store sample, bite of Powerbar, and Emergen-C (3*20=60)
Pluot (50)
TLC sandwich (460)
Hummus, flatbread, and falafel with raita and tomatoes (105+220+160+50=535)
Movie popcorn and Milk Duds (100+340=440)

220+60+50+460+535+440=1765