Thursday, July 28, 2011

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Yeah... so, everything has been fine for the last month or so. After I hit my 5-pound goal, I basically decided I was cool with my body, cool with the number, and I wasn't going to try to change my weight anymore. For the first couple of weeks I bounced between 127-130. Then I got my period around the same time I had a wisdom tooth bothering me and dropped down to just under 125 in a few days, then hovered around 125-126 for somewhat over a week. I kept counting calories for a bit and figured that, eating intuitively, I take in about 1600 calories/day during the first half of my cycle and 1900 calories/day in the second half, and a 2500 or so day about a once a week - all averaging out to about 1850/day. Then I dropped the calorie counting, and pretty soon after that I dropped the exercise tracking because I know whether I'm doing enough exercise without looking a spreadsheet of it. The reasons I exercise have nothing to do with weight anymore and everything to do with mood regulation. Finally when I hit the middle of my cycle, I shot up to 129 in a few days, and have dropped back to 126-128. So, I guess I lost a pound or something on average during that first month "maintaining". I'm still writing down what I eat, and weighing every day - not so much because I need to monitor it that closely, but to establish a baseline and to assess when I've "really" stabilized at a static average weight, which may take a few months.

I figure as long as my weight stays below 130 it can do whatever it wants. Past 130 I'll start paying attention, 135 I think is my definite action level, and 145 should be about my max. Of course, this could change if I actually get into some strength training and it pays off, or further in the future when I get pregnant, but for now those are the graduated ceilings I see for my weight.

Anyway, I'm actually thinking of quitting this blog. Nobody's reading it, I'm doing fine, and it's been suggested I create a web-based presentation of my weight loss process, but I don't really want to just open this anonymous blog to all the people who know me. So I'm going to take the data, re-work it up, and start a new blog that will actually be associated with me and have readers. 

Adios, amigos!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Goal

At 128.8 yesterday and 127.6 today (yeah, I dunno either) I have met my goal of losing 5 pounds from the 133 range. At this point I can really say I'm totally satisfied with the number on the scale and the shape of my body. Or at least, I'm torn between thinking I could lose a few more pounds from my stomach and I ought to put a little back on my ribs. I've been eating cookies.

I want to do more strength training, and more yoga (I've hardly done any since the end of the academic year). I went and got some pants today that are long so I can wear them at work (a chemistry lab) but are flexible enough I can do yoga on my lunch break without changing clothes. Gotta find some way to motivate myself to do strength-building calisthenics, like pushups and bicycle/leglifts, on a regular basis. Also, with my full-time work, and some extra stuff I'm doing related to my work last summer, my running frequency isn't great and when I do run I feel I'm squeezing it in. I'm thinking of maybe setting my standard at fewer times a week but trying to do really good quality workouts that have a full spectrum of exercise types - a run and yoga-stretches and calisthenics.

On that note, it was nice this morning to go for a run just because I thought it would feel good, and without caring at all about how many calories it would burn. With my experience intuitive-eating in the last week or so, I'm pretty confident that the amount of exercise I need to stay mentally sane is at least as much as I need to maintain my weight given how much my body tells me to eat. What my mind nags me to eat can sometimes be another story, but there you go with the mental sanity, and also, it's much less of an issue due to my work right now, where I get very absorbed in what I'm doing and have to specifically change location from lab to office in order to eat.

Friday, June 10, 2011

129.8

A moment of appreciation for my first-ever-since-sixth-grade weight in the 120s.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Drinking ice water really does burn calories

We've all heard that line, but to me, at least, it always seemed like the scale must be so small it couldn't possibly be perceptible. Then I was reading a description of the phenomenon today that said if you drank all your water ice-cold, it could be equivalent to adding a workout a week.


So I got interested, and calculated it.


It's actually fairly easy to calculate. The specific heat of water is 1 calorie per gram per degree Celsius (little calorie, not food kcal), and its density is 1 gram per milliliter. (A lot of things are defined in reference to water.) If you drink ice-cold water, it is at 0 degrees Celsius, and the temperature your water is probably usually at is around 20 degrees Celsius.


What this means is that to warm up water from 0 degrees Celsius to 20 degrees, you have to put in 20 little calories for every milliliter of water you have. When it goes into your body, it actually has to warm up further to around 37 degrees, but your body is already doing that when you drink room temp water, although that also means if you just drink more room temperature water in a day it will burn more calories too. Anyway, if you drink 2 liters of iced water a day, that's 2000 x 20 little calories = 40,000 little calories = 40 kcals, or food calories. 40 calories a day! In a week, that's 280 calories - a light workout, an extra pound every 3 months or so. Not so negligible.


What's neat about this too is that this is non-negotiable calorie burn. It's just heat transfer. It's not something your body can do more efficiently, or kind of do a crap job on to save energy. By the laws of thermodynamics the water will suck heat out of your body, and your body can either compensate or tolerate hypothermia. Granted, anorexics who try to practice this trick probably will reap more hypothermia than calorie burn from it, but for the rest of us, I doubt our bodies are desperate enough to refuse to heat up ice water. Cheers!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Intuitive eating

I did an experiment today. I practiced intuitive eating and deliberately shut off all my quantifying and arranging mechanisms until nighttime. I refused to tally up calories in my head until I was done eating for the day. I refused to plan my food more than was necessary for practical purposes (i.e. lunch and snacks to bring to work tomorrow). I dismissed thoughts of what I could eat later in the day with "that's nice, but I'll see if it's what I want when I actually get hungry." I wrote down what I had eaten so far in the day if I was at my computer, but didn't spend much time looking at the pattern, and didn't let myself interrupt other activities to do so. Let me tell you, this food and weight-loss thing has become a great procrastination technique for me. Just plan what to eat for breakfast tomorrow, or all week, read about the USDA's new dietary recommendations and what counts as an ounce of grains and make up a day's menu that has just so many servings of each thing, think of hypothetical ways to arrange calories in the week and lose at X rate... and avoid working on that presentation I don't really want to give. Because I know "listen to your body" isn't quite THAT simple, I asked myself "am I thirsty, bored, stiff, or want a distraction?" before deciding to eat. I drank a LOT of water today because it was hot, and I also went for a run, a short 2.3-mile jaunt. Oh, and I made sure to have a treat. That's right, not just allowed, but actively attended to having a treat. I will have a treat every day until the idea gets old and I don't feel like one. Today it was a piece of lemon poppyseed cake, and some other time it could be chocolate, ice cream, a cocktail, a cookie, whatever I want that day.

The results:

Sunday 6/5


Grits with a fried egg, 1/2 orange and 1/2 banana (330)
Apple (100)
1/2 Tofurky sausage rolled in a slice of bread (210)
Lemon poppyseed cake with coffee (maybe 400)
Celery sticks and cream cheese herb dip (100)
Salt and peppered boiled potato (100)
Raspberry-redwine sorbet (50)
Ginger candy (10)
Rice and beans with tomatoes, onions, and a dollop of cream cheese (330)
Iced tea (35)

Est. 1665

I'm pretty pleased with that.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

You're too skinny, eat a cookie!

So my mom just came over to drop off a gadget for me, and she said that after I let my stepdad practice a new form of massage on me recently, he told her I shouldn't lose any more weight. Ain't that a compliment! The word "skinny" came up in the discussion too, and I dunno. I probably will never be describable as skinny by my own definitions - even though I'm reasonably thin, the flesh distributes around my bones in curvy, round shapes. It might just be a loose skin issue, but my belly is also still quite squishy. I pretty much figured 10 pounds either direction from here is probably fine for me, though of course, I don't really feel like gaining back 10 pounds. My boyfriend doesn't seem concerned about my weight being too low, but then again, he is the 120 pound dude with 8 percent body fat, and his ex-girlfriend had a BMI of 40 before getting bariatric surgery, so maybe he doesn't know shit about healthy weights for average-sized people.

Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead with this 5 pounds (2-3 left), but once I'm in the high 120s, I may decide to go ahead and stop purposefully losing weight, get my intuitive eating on, and address any body image issues I've developed. If I'm really honest with myself, it's a little concerning the way my body image has developed over the course of this process. I was the least concerned with my body around the end of high school/beginning of college, when I weighed between 150-165. I hardly ever thought about it and I wasn't dismayed at mirrors (as would happen when my weight crept into the 170s), and that was when I weighed 20-35 pounds more than I do now. I'm fairly sure if I showed my current body to myself back then, let alone a year ago, I would've said "hot stuff, I'd love to look like that". But now I look at my squishy, foldy belly and wonder if losing 5 more pounds would improve it, or if there's some cream I could use to tighten up the skin.

I have to admit two rather silly contributions to this. One is that I feel like I had a kid body and now I have a womanly body, but I never got the chance to have a girl's body - a body that is sexually differentiated in shape, but still lithe and narrow. During the phase when that would have happened I just looked kind of awkwardly stocky. I know the window for that girl body is past, but in some ways I still want to approach it, get a little more streamlined, etc. The other thing is I kind of wish I could weigh less than my boyfriend. I know this is really tall order in my particular case, but women usually weigh less than men, and I've been heavier than every guy I've ever dated or slept with, except for one who was morbidly obese and one who was 6'3". On the other hand, my boyfriend can pick me up and carry me easily because he's tiny, dense ball of muscle, which is what I used to say was the reason for wanting to be lighter specifically relative to men. And now that I'm thinking of it, my mom. My mom weighed about 120 in her 20s, and she's an inch taller than me. She also (as she often points out) has a smaller bust, but not that much smaller, and altogether I really don't see why 120 shouldn't be a good weight for me too.

But you know, you absorb what you expose yourself to a lot of, and I've been reading stuff about weight loss lately, a lot of which is saturated with explicit or implicit body image messages that aren't very affirming. So I just Googled body acceptance, and found some perhaps more appropriate reading material...

Two food mantras with nearly identical cadence:
"Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." - Michael Pollan
"Eat food. Stuff you like. As much as you want." - Michelle of The Fat Nutritionist

Body Image Meditation:
I am distally thinner, and proximally fatter. My shoulder bones, clavicle, and jawline are prominent, and my wrists and hands are markedly slight. My hands and feet have veins that swell and become highly visible after exercise, especially the big ones on the backs of my hands as I reach down to tie my shoes. My upper arms are shapely with some definition, but soft, as are my thighs, and my calves are substantial in size but all muscle. My bum and breasts are largely fatty, as is usually the case for women, with a little bit of sag because of previously being heavier. My belly is my squishiest part, though there's muscle not far underneath, with folds that still fall in the shape of where I used to have rolls, though they are smaller and stretch flat when I lay on my back. I have a smallish bone structure, like my mom's side of the family, but the way my flesh is shaped around it is more like my aunt and female cousins on my dad's side. I'm moderately bottom-heavy with a narrow waist, and bust size and shoulder width averaged large on one side with small on the other to give medium-small on both counts.

That's enough for now, I think.

One year (well, almost)

It's been a year. Okay, it's been 52 weeks. Okay, it's been 13 4-week periods since the nearest Saturday before I started counting calories and weighing, which means my June-to-June weight graph is full, which is I why I chose today.

And lucky of luckies, I have a new low today: 130.2

Here is the the weight graph. I'm pretty proud of both the graph and its contents (click to see a more readable version):

Friday, May 27, 2011

4 steps forward, 1 step back

After eating 2 half-sandwiches of mixed cheddar and mozzarella cheese, 1 half-sandwich of peanut butter and honey, and 2 bowls of cereal with milk and sugar, I'm rather astonished that I only feel full edging toward stuffed, rather than nauseatingly packed to the brim.

Also slightly astonished at my behavior. I have overeaten at dinner and events before, and I have eaten too many calories throughout too many snacks in an afternoon before, but I have never before eaten 1200 calories in one sitting in the afternoon, flagrantly disregarding the plan.

Apparently I'm at the point where pushing too hard for too long leads to binging. Apart from I'd waffle on the out of control clause, I think this fits the markers of a real binge. Well, so be it. The last 4 days were excellently on-track - I'm talking 1500 calories plus a workout kind of level - and I've been feeling great because of it. I've been at 131.2 for 2 days, which means I lost the semester-party pound and am mostly finished with the final-projects pound. Next week I'll be cutting out pot for a bit, drinking coffee, and doing (hopefully) interesting work that keeps me (hopefully) on my feet in the lab, plus being on campus with running trails and the gym available at lunch, so I would expect to do pretty well during the week, and if you think of that plan I had before where I'd restrict during the week and indulge one day out of the weekend, well, today's Friday. If I'd been thinking of it that way, though, I would have rather indulged on a pot of Annies mac and cheese or a pint of ice cream, except that I can't afford it this month anyway, so...

I'm at 2300 calories for the day now and I'm beginning to look shiftily at that number. It seems like every time I overeat in an unplanned way, it peters out around 2300. I'm pretty sure 2300 is close to what maintains 165 at my typical level of activity. Dammit setpoint, stop looking at me like that!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Jel dessert with cream

= win. I'd like to try whipped cream sometime too.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I get high on eating less

I could have titled this "I get high on dieting," but that would be slightly disingenuous because I don't consider what I'm doing dieting. Incidentally, when I a senior in high school and had never done anything close to a diet, I wrote in a list of 100 things to do before I die (assigned for a class, don't ask) that I'd like to follow a series of ridiculous diets, like "foods that start with vowels." I still think it would be fun to try silly diets just for the sake of trying them and being silly, but that's not what I'm talking about. I could also have titled it "I get high on restricting," but "restricting" is always the medical term used to describe what anorexics do, and I'm pretty sure a girl with a BMI of 22 who regularly eats 1800 calories a day is far from anorexic.

Nevertheless, I notice that after a week or two of undereating consistently, if not by a lot, it gets easier, and not because I'm getting used to something, but because my physiological reactions are changing. I feel a little giddy; I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of something, feeling, in fact, AMAZING as I push an interval between meals to 4 or 5 hours, but knowing I have to end it and put something in my mouth before I crash and get cranky, at which point it wouldn't taste that good anyway. I love going to the point where I'm starting to feel light and hungry, then going for a run, feeling airy, empty of matter but full of energy, flooding with adrenaline and then flooding with endorphins when I get home, take a shower, and finally eat lunch.

This works better in the summer. I don't know why, but something about either the stress of school or just my brain draining glucose too fast makes it so I don't get that far. By the time I'm hungry, I'm also tired, and I really want to just eat some damn food and get onto the next thing.

I hope this does not mean I have to always be undereating to feel amazing, or that I have to always be keeping track of what I eat to feel amazing. I hope that at some weight, it all comes together to maintain weight and feel great and be mentally sustainable all at the same time.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Plans and updates

After watching a few more days, I think I need to revise that to "my weight has stabilized around the 133 range." Which means the 5 pounds now only go down to 128. That's fine anyway; that'll be about 2 pounds back to my birthday weight, and 3 pounds after that. I realized that I haven't been watching a graph of my weight since my birthday, and today I put my post-birthday weights in a graph and could see exactly what's been going on. For about two weeks I basically stayed steady, then gained about a pound in the last two weeks of classes, and then with the end of semester party and my period hitting just after I got a big spike in my weight, so I had to wait for the water retention to level out, but it looks like I gained about a pound for real over that weekend. Anyway, my weight has been edging slowly down for the past few days, and I think I've been on the right track (if chipping a little slowly) for the past week and a half or so.

I've been following that pointlike plan I described last time with 33-222-111-zeroes-dinner as the target. I may stick with this plan on some days for the summer but I was also thinking of a new template. The idea would be, eat a sensible breakfast, eat a normal dinner, and plan on often having after-dinner treats or beverages, but during the day, bring a protein bar and 500 calories' worth of fruit and vegetables, of which I can eat as much as I want. There will be a fridge at work, so I can just keep track of what I have there and top it off to 500 each morning. I'll try to get some cardio most days, which can be before either breakfast or my protein bar. I think the 500 calories' worth of fruits and veggies is brilliant, because if I eat it all that's definitely 5 or more servings, and 500 calories of fruits and veggies is really a lot of volume, so it shouldn't feel limiting. It also keeps my calories around 1100-1200 before dinner, which leaves room for a nice dinner and a drink or a dessert all within 1800 or so, and my exercise will basically be my deficit. I'd like to keep doing yoga, but I'm not sure where I'd go. I don't know if I want to keep doing Bikram - although once-a-week or so would probably kick my losses up a bit - but any other type of yoga I'd want to do more often than I can probably afford.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Lose 5 more pounds

After waiting for my weight to stabilize, it looks like I'm back to the 132 range. I've done a lot of exercise the past couple days - gotten back on the elliptical since I found my Sansa cable again, and really pushed it, a whole 60 minutes today, plus some yoga while cooling down.

I'm sort of back to counting calories. It's actually a little like a WW points system, only with big points, and I think of them more as levels - plus it all translates back into calories at the literal end of the day, just a much rougher estimate than I was working with before. The benefit is being able to think about my meals and snacks as "chunks" in the plan of the day. I assign foods or combinations of foods I often eat to levels:

1 - under 100 calories
2 - 100-200 calories
3 - 200-300 calories

There are then "zeroes", which are under 30, and the idea is to account for a piece of hard candy or a bite of someone's food without using up a whole level 1. My typical target day plan is eat 2 "3's", 3 "2's" and 3 "1's" apart from dinner, then about 500 calories for dinner (counted normally), and less than 100 calories' worth of zeroes, estimated according to how many and what they actually were at the end of the day. Estimating 1's as 100 calories, 2's as 150, and 3's as 250, this totals about 1750-1850.

I'm making it a goal to lose 5 pounds from here. So, I want to see 127.x.  I'm not sure what the timescale will be, but I'd say a month would be ambitious and it should definitely be done by the end of the summer. Maybe by 4th of July.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

On fat acceptance

I've read various blogs and articles on fat acceptance before, during, and after my weight-loss process. I agree with much of what they have to say, but I feel like writers are often so pained by their individual experiences of prejudice that they are too vehement, too general, and obscure some important points.

I agree with FA that all people deserve to be treated with human dignity and respect, regardless of their size, and for that matter, regardless of why they are the size they are. Even people who do nothing but eat Pop-Tarts and pizza in front of the TV all day deserve decent treatment - and possibly emotional counseling, but that's beside the point.

I agree with FA that BMI is a crude and often inaccurate indicator of appropriate weight. I mean, in the first place it doesn't even make dimensional sense. You take your weight, and you divide by... the SQUARE of your height? Prescribing the same BMI range for everyone basically suggests that your weight should be proportional to your surface area. If it were the cube of height, then it would at least give units of body density, but that's not the case, and that's why plenty of short "underweight" people are fine and most healthy tall people are high-normal to overweight.

I agree that obesity is not a disease, it is at most an indicator, and one that is neither specific nor sensitive. Not everyone who is sedentary and eats crap becomes fat, and fat can be a result of not just run-of-the-mill bad lifestyle but also leptin imbalance, binge eating disorder, PCOS, side effects of medication, or a nonpathological high setpoint.

But then there's something like Katy Harding's "BMI Project." It's not a bad concept. Lots of women, a few men, and one cat of various BMIs pose and their BMI-based category is displayed. The point is to show that BMI is absurd, and... it sort of does. Most of the "underweight" people look just as normal as the "normal" people, and so do many of the "overweight" people. Some of the "overweight" people do look overweight, and most of the "obese" people do, though I wouldn't have guessed a lot of them were in the obese category, and in some cases it's obvious all the weight is in the boobs. What starts to bug me is in the comments, where everyone glees over the fact that all these people look amazing, and suggest that BMI of 20-40 should be considered "normal".

BMI has its flaws, but a BMI of 40 is not a good sign for most people. There are, in fact, statistics on mortality rates associated with BMI, and there is a U-shaped curve bottoming out around 25-27. Considering this is the low-overweight range, this is one of the most solid reasons to criticize BMI, but a BMI of 40 carries a statistical mortality risk roughly equal to a significantly underweight person. Of course, in both cases there is wide variability. Some underweight people are anorexic and at very high risk of heart attacks and infections for common-cause reasons, while others are simply light people, but they still will have a lot of trouble if they get too sick to eat for some time, and will be more likely have low bone density, because these are direct consequences of low weight. Some obese people eat junk food on the couch all day and are at very high risk of cardiovascular disease and diabetes for common-cause reasons, while others are simply heavy people, but still are more likely to have sleep apnea, joint, and back problems, because these are direct consequences of high weight.

Then there's the other part of her site where she insists that diets don't work, even if you "don't call them diets", and basically suggests that losing weight is hopeless and unreasonable, and if you think it worked, get back to her in 5 years, and if you've kept it off that long, you're a freak of nature. Part of what rankles me about this statement is that she effectively says, if you are exception to my rule, then you must be so exceptional I don't have to take you seriously. The other thing is that diets do work for the initial phase. Even stupid diets will make you lose weight. Better diets will make you lose fat. And thoughtfully considered weight-loss plans will make you lose a significant amount of fat without feeling deprived, provided your body is okay with it.

Where diets "don't work" is in keeping off the weight. And basically what this says is that diets don't work if you don't stick to them. Lifestyle changes don't work if you don't stick to them. But this is not news. Nothing, in any area of life, works if you don't keep doing it. So the question is not whether weight loss strategies work but why people don't stick to the plan to maintain. Katy's answer to that question is set-point: people's bodies drag them back to their previous high weight. That's probably the case for some people. But it's not the case for all people. Some people successfully lose weight and keep most or all of it off. Some people simply go back to crappy habits, and in that case it's a failure of discipline. Please note that I don't attach any moral judgment to that; often our "discipline" is highly mediated by situational factors. It's easy to go back to Pop-Tarts for breakfast, McDonald's for lunch, frozen dinner from a box, and a cascade of coffee with cream all day if you are poor, busy, stressed, and easily hooked on sugar. It's also easy to simply add a chocolate bar every day as a stress reliever to an otherwise healthy diet and gain 20 pounds. My point is that people's bodies aren't driving the weight gain in those cases; it's a constellation of mental and social forces that may have little to do with their body's ideal weight.

Fitness, and the actual presence of health problems or more immediate risk factors are fair distinguishing factors. Fat people who are strong, enjoy exercise, have healthy blood pressure and good insulin control, and don't have any chronic health issues, are likely to be in the set-point category. Fat people who have high blood pressure, experience sugar cravings, and can't jog for 5 minutes are likely to be in the bad-habits category. One comment in the BMI project thread I think was spot on: "whatever the category associated with the lowest mortality – there is NO evidence that becoming fatter (if you’re under that “ideal” weight) or thinner (if you’re over it) causes you to acquire the health characteristics of those who are naturally at that weight." What I think needs to be added is that not everyone "naturally" approaches their own "ideal weight." Some bodies are particularly susceptible to harmful environmental influences. It seems like FA advocates hate when people bring up the fact that the population as a whole is becoming heavier, but it is a clear indication that not all obesity is due to genetics. It's changing too fast for that to be the case. I agree with FA that not all fat people should lose weight, but I disagree that anyone who has difficulty losing weight or keeping it off should not be trying to do so.


It's difficult to discuss, I know, because so many fat people have been subjected to harmful discrimination or frankly inhumane treatment solely on the basis of their weight. Yet some fat people do need to lose weight. Some fat people with clearly fat-related health problems are ignorant or in denial and need to be motivated to change their lifestyle more than they need to be told to accept themselves (although this can become tricky when shame or self-esteem issues are connected with not taking care of one's body). Most importantly, it is unhelpful to people who would benefit from losing weight and want to, to be told that it's a hopeless enterprise and they should just accept themselves the way they are. 


To sum up: we all have different bodies. Some of us have thin bodies, hard and lean bodies, fat and squishy bodies. Some of us have dark-skinned bodies or light-skinned bodies. Some of us have male bodies, or female bodies. Each type has advantages and disadvantages relative to other types. Fat people are statistically more likely to get Type 2 diabetes? So are black people, but people aren't told to change their skin color from black to white, and even if they did, we wouldn't expect it to affect the underlying mechanisms that give rise to that risk. On the other hand, white people who become significantly darker through suntanning are legitimately told that they shouldn't get so much sun because they're increasing their risk of skin cancer. Some people deviate from their "natural" body type for such reasons, and that can introduce unnecessary health risks. We should all seek to find our personal ideal weight, because that's probably the best bet for minimizing our own risk. We are stuck with the particular set of good and bad proclivities that our genetics handed to us, but we can avoid extra problems by not straining our bodies in directions they're not designed to handle. That means everyone should eat a healthy diet, get regular exercise, and engage in meaningful social activity. It means some fat people (like many featured in the BMI slideshow) are gorgeous, curvy, triple-D-cup women who should stay that way, while others (like myself at a BMI of 30) need to lose a lot of inches off a lot of places and will feel better when they do. We may still have trouble keeping off the weight, but if we feel more energetic, have a better mood, look more shapely, and enjoy the things we can do with our light bodies, then what we need is not exhortation to accept being fat but support in fending off the deleterious environmental influences that are making us fat against our body's natural inclination. Similar comments apply to thinness, and other dimensions of body type. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Status update

Well, I did okay on Monday and Tuesday of last week, but then the free food took over. I kind of forgot about some of my planned strategies (e.g. one donut only). Now I'm around 3 pounds up, which is still under 135, but I don't think it's all "real" anyhow because I don't think I overate enough to gain 2 pounds in a week.

Toward the end though, I did break through it all in a significant way, I think. During the end-of-term party, I took a certain substance that always makes me uninterested in food, resulting in my not eating for about 15 hours. The overnight fast can sometimes last that long, but usually it's around 8-12 hours, so it was a really a great break and made me feel light and "up" and on-track again. Since then, the past two days, I've gone back to counting calories and I've been doing pretty well.

I was going to try to have a cardio workout and a yoga class all five weekdays this week, but I realized there aren't as many yoga classes as I thought and some of them conflict with other things I'm doing. So I'll go to the ones I can and still try to cardio every day.

I'm looking forward to the summer because I'll be able to walk to campus/work and back, which will mean I'm walking for a little more than an hour a day, plus any real working out I do. I guess I wanted to focus on training my running, but the weather's been so sluggish at becoming summer that I haven't really thought about it yet. I actually have a lot of projects I want to work on over the summer including some writing and I'm not sure if I will have enough time for all of it. I'll be working, but I also want to continue a story I started a long time ago, and write an essay about Hobbes and Locke and Ayn Rand, and train up my running, and I need to keep working on this writeup of the work I did last summer. Hopefully it will all happen...

Saturday, April 30, 2011

I confess

I confess that I've not been eating well, and not exercising as much as I want to. I confess that I've been getting into bad habits, habits I know are bad, that I've read about on other people's weight-loss/maintenance blogs. I confess that I've noticed this and made plans to start roughly calorie counting again, only to stop keeping track once I start to eat something that I know will spike the number. I confess that I've been coming up with excuses not to record my weight when it turns out to be 132 something, and avoiding the scale until I think I'm back on track.

I confess that last night, I ate several shots of hot cocoa mix moistened with just enough water to turn it into a paste. I confess that smoking pot each night, I've been getting munchy, then waking up not hungry but knowing I ought to start off with breakfast, and then not really knowing when or how much to eat or being satisfied with it the rest of the day. I confess that the only approximation to a fruit I had today was a glass of orange juice, and the only vegetable was pizza toppings; the rest of the day I ate bagels, coffee, potato chips, and even a 660 calorie muffin.

I confess, because even if I'm going to act stupid I'm damn well gonna document it. I'm not going to ask "buuut how'd I get here?" 10 pounds up the line.

I'm not really sure what the root cause is. I guess it's probably a matrix of interconnected factors. I need to drink more water, but my boyfriend recycled my Vitamin Water bottle when he found my old bike bottles, and those taste like soap even though I've rinsed them a million times. I need to exercise more, but ever since we moved I've been waking up more tired than usual, and it's the end of the term, so I have tons of work, and so I've been either sleeping or doing homework when I would be exercising, although I have gone on a few near-negligible jogs. I also lost my Sansa cord, so I haven't been able to listen to music while I exercise in a long time. Last year, the same time of year, was when I started to really have trouble making the time for exercise, and falling into just these bad habits. Too much coffee, pot, food, and not enough exercise. But is it the time of year, or is it the fact that I met goal and just cut loose too fast? I dunno.

But I promise, I've got a plan. This week, there will be treats, I know. It's the last week of classes. We'll get donuts or whatnot while we fill out course evaluations. Then there will be the big end of year party over the weekend. Then it will be reading week and finals and there will be a lot of free food. But I have planned out all my breakfasts, lunches, and dinners this week. If nothing else, I will cut the bloating and yucky fullness and find out how much of this pound I've "really" gained. I'm eating eggs and fruit and smoothies for breakfast, a little cereal, no toast planned. I'm eating tuna salad wraps and rice cakes with apples and peanut butter for lunch. I plan to cut the gratuitous sweets, the random snacking. One drink after dinner only, whether that's cocoa or alcohol or juice. One serving of free food that sets itself in front of me - if there are donuts, just one donut. And I will do my best, though I don't know how good that will be, to get a full week of exercise: three runs, two yoga classes, and two Pilates classes. Really, if it doesn't get done in the morning I will try to do it in the afternoon. If I can, I will go to both the Pilates classes, even though I only need one more for credit and I really think the class sucks. This week is going to be a balanced week. It will be controlled. Clearly I still need some of that rigidity.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Let's try this weekly reflection thing then

I'm going to just go back 7 days. I might not always do this on the same day of the week, so I might sometimes skip or overlap days between evaluations, but the point is just to draw attention to whatever's been happening lately, so it doesn't have to be real precise.


-How many days did I eat 5 or more fruits and vegetables? Fewer than 3?
2 and 3 respectively which leaves 2 in the middle. Glad to see more than one "good" day, but I'd like to cut down on the deficient days.

-What percentage of my meals included significant protein? What about snacks?
This question requires waaay too much data analysis. I don't have time for that shit. Also, I never defined "significant protein" which is problematic when it comes to things like oatmeal or cream cheese.


-Do I feel that my diet was satisfactory overall this week?
Mostly, but I probably ate too many treats. I had macaroni and cheese more than once (for meals, but it's still a high calorie meal) and some ice cream one day, cookies another time, and greasy grill food for a dinner-while-studying. I think I handled them well otherwise (reasonable portions, mostly at mealtimes) but still, shouldn't be so frequently.

-Did I have any negative outcomes this week that I feel may have been related to my dietary choices?
Nope. In contrast to the week before, even when I ate maybe-too-many treats, I avoided eating so much of them that I felt yucky afterward. In fact, I started cutting down on caffeine, which has caused some benefits. I notice I can tell when I haven't eaten enough vegetables - but I wouldn't call that a negative outcome really, because it doesn't get too unpleasant, I just respond by having an apple and peanut butter for breakfast or something. It's like being slightly thirsty - it's only a negative outcome of your choices if you ignore the initial signal out of inconvenience until you become dehydrated and fatigued.


I will say I've done hardly any cardio this week. One of these days I need to get up early enough to actually go run at that cute park next to the new apartment. It's just been a thing with school being so busy. But I need to get back in a habit of running in the mornings. All sorts of things have been delaying the plan, but it is something I want to do.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Bad week

It's been a bad week in just about all respects. Diet, exercise, sleep, homework, and interpersonally. It started with my birthday, which actually went fine in most senses, but precipitated a landslide of alcohol, grease, and chocolate. This was to be expected. However, then there was lots of alcohol and chocolate around, and taking the day off from homework resulted in a lot more pile-up midweek than I was expecting. Like, staying up til 2:30 in the morning on Wednesday finishing a lab report (this was exacerbated by some unforseeable computer troubles too). Naturally I prioritized getting a minimum of 5 hours of sleep over exercise, and then at the end of the week moving didn't go terribly smoothly either, so basically everything just crumbled. I'm not going to go through the list of questions I made up last time because, well, it's past midnight, and I'd like to get this week off to a better start. I have a nice healthy sandwich and some fruits packed for tomorrow, and we'll see if I can drag myself up early enough for a run, but at any rate, since we ARE now moved I'll be gaining some homework time with every commute that's cut in half. Until next time...

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Phase 3 conclusion and new directions

It's finally the final day. My 21st birthday. The end of phase III, the projected end-date of this entire project.

Today I am 130.8 pounds, 23.9% body fat according to my scale, measurements (inches): waist 26 1/2, hips 36 1/2, thigh 21, arm 10 3/4. This means since the end of phase II I have lost:

13.6 pounds and 6.0% body fat (though as we know, the scale is not necessarily reliable)
1.5 inches off my waist, 2.25 off my hips, 1.5 off my thigh, and 1 off my arm
About 1 pant size (my best-fit pants are a 4, though the 6s still work)

And in the grand total I have lost:

53.8 pounds
7.5 inches from my waist as well as 5 from my thigh
4 pant sizes

So I did it! I'm 21, have met my rather arbitrarily chosen goal, and I believe I'm within 10 pounds of my ideal weight. Also, my pants are tiny - before this whole thing I really never thought I'd get smaller than a size 8. I'm happy that I went to that fitness testing and got the alternative body fat measurement, because it tells me I am not just-barely entering the recommended range, but rather that I'm well within it already. It also helps that my belly seems to have gotten noticeably tighter in the last week or so. At this point, I think my personal perception of my body is the best indicator of my progress, followed by weight and inch measurements, and lastly the body fat guesses of my scale.

Where do we go from here? I think I will cut back significantly on my weight-related regulatory behaviors. Specifically, I'll stop counting calories, weigh myself less often (once to a few times a week) and use my scale's body fat function a lot less often (once a month to once a week). What I'll keep doing is writing down qualitatively what I eat in the day and tracking my exercise. I'm going to set up a new spreadsheet that has cells to record weight, body fat, and inch measurements, though none of those will be recorded daily, and exercise in the cardio, strength, and flexibility categories, which will be recorded daily. Calorie intake, expenditure, and deficit estimations will be absent. However, I'll continue with the food journal at least for a bit, and do a weekly reflection on the following questions:

How many days did I eat 5 or more fruits and vegetables? Fewer than 3?
What percentage of my meals included significant protein? What about snacks?
Do I feel that my diet was satisfactory overall this week?
Did I have any negative outcomes this week that I feel may have been related to my dietary choices?

I figure I have stop counting calories sometime, and I know even when I went on vacation I tended to think about the calories, so just not recording them will be a way of slowly phasing out that mindset. Hopefully, just mindfulness and my acquired experience with portion sizes will be enough to keep me on track, and allow me to maintain or lose as I please without being quantitatively rigorous. I'll still probably look at calories and serving sizes in order to make decisions about what I eat, but that's something everyone who's ever had a weight problem should do. If I start to gain without clear cause, I can always go back and audit my diet. My main focus for a while will be exercise and finding a balance between the different types. Overall, the goal is to find an equilibrium where I feel nourished, have treats sometimes, and do exercise I enjoy, in such proportions as to maintain my body in a state I'm happy with, without interfering with my other priorities.

I'll be redesigning this blog, including changing the background (probably immediately after posting this), re-titling it, moving and updating my caption, goals, and weight loss ticker, over the next few weeks. I'll also post some before/after/transition pictures soon, and maybe a weight graph. I have a master, long range weight graph, but it doesn't want to cooperate right now, and it might be nice to wait until I fill up a year of weight records before posting it. I will definitely have a post for my "fat-iversary", although I'll have to decide if that's June 7th (the day I started counted calories) or June 11th (the day I weighed myself).

Until I post again, adieu!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Results of fitness testing

Unsurprising stuff:

Muscular endurance (push-up test): 4 pushups - "needs improvement"
Muscular strength (bench press): 7 reps of 45 lbs, calculated strength-to-weight ratio 0.417 - 5th/10th percentile among 20-29 yo females, "very poor"

Flexibility (sit and reach): 34 cm w/ zero set at 23 cm (idk) - "very good"

Somewhat surprising stuff:


Resting HR: 84 bpm
Step test HR: 168 bpm, calculated VO2max = 34.78 (don't remember the units) - 35th-40th percentile, "fair"

Very surprising stuff:


Body composition (skin-fold measurements): calculated at 17.0% body fat

Debrief


Okay, so we know my strength isn't that great. I could do a few pushups, I could lift bench press bar a few times, and I thought that stuff was pretty cool, but I'm not surprised that isn't up to what a lot of people can do. Whatever. We also know I'm super flexible, I always got good scores on the sit-and-reach in middle school and I've done plenty of yoga since then. Whoopee.

Cardio stuff was a little surprising. My resting HR was way above what it usually is - 84 is fine, but I've had it down near 60 recently, like when I was on my trip. I also got a slightly below-average score on the step test, which is kind of odd since I spent last quarter doing step aerobics. But then the guy said I could easily improve on cardio in the next weeks, and I realized I've done what, two runs in the last two weeks. If cardio scores change easily on a couple-of-weeks basis, then I'm probably just seeing the effects of spring break lazing around and the first week back not realizing I didn't have any cardio scheduled in.

And then there was the body fat measurement. According to BIA aka my scale, I'm 25% body fat, and according to this formula thingy, I'm 17% body fat. Uhhhh? The guy said from looking me, he thinks the scale measurement is high, and the caliper measurement is low but more accurate than the scale - so, around 20%. That's a pretty big "around" is all I've got to say. But it's nice to think that in the low 130s, I'm actually sitting in the healthy range, not quizzically looking at my "skinny fat". I guess this means I can pretty much dispense with my scale's body fat function as an indicator of what weight I should seek to lose, though it can tell me whether weight I AM losing is fat or lean since the measurement is fairly consistent.

Not much new

133.2 and 25.3% body fat. I'm not thrilled that the percentage has been up above 25% again a few days lately. 133.2 has come up a LOT of times recently. Apparently my low weight/fat upon returning from my trip was spurious. My week of restriction went well, although results aren't evident at this time. I had Pilates on Monday and Wednesday, yoga on Tuesday and Thursday, and a run on Friday. I stayed under 1600 calories M-W and had 1690 calories Th, but the extra 90 were less than the amount I had accumulated "under target" the past three days, so I count myself as successful at hitting 1600 for the four major schooldays. Yesterday I hit 2085 which is a little more than 2000 but I'm not worried about that for reasons that will be clarified. It was great, I had just a light breakfast and then pushed it 'til midafternoon and then had a whole box of Annie's macaroni and cheese and a bunch of ice cream bars. Mmm yum. So the idea is that between Saturday and Sunday, one can be another roughly-2000 calorie day and the other should be no more than 1700-1750. Anyway, after all the food yesterday afternoon I wasn't very hungry this morning and feel like I will be eating lightly today, so I'm pretty confident I'll make up for that 85-calorie difference without any trouble.

This coming week I'll be doing a similar strategy. Target of 1600 for M-Th, except for T when I'll be going to Bikram so if I feel extra hungry, an 1800 target is still a greater deficit than a 1600 target with the usual yoga. Out of F-Sa-Su, two can be about 2000 and 1 should be around 1700. Usually the 2000 calorie days will probably be Friday and Sunday - Friday because it's nice to dig into a big bowl of something delicious at the end of the week, and Sunday because I'll be doing my long runs on Sunday. The general exercise plan from here is Pilates MW, yoga TTh, shorter runs with a little stretching and pushups WF, and long runs Su. I might do some home-yoga on Saturdays too but it could be a day off too - that might vary week to week as I feel like I need rest or stretching more. The modified plan for this week, to use up my Bikram classes, is to replace Tuesday vinyasa, Friday run, and Sunday run (both of the coming weekends) with Bikram.

Also, I'm doing something mildly interesting today: fitness testing. There was a flyer in the sports center about fitness testing on several dimensions, including body composition, cardiovascular fitness, muscular strength and endurance, and some that I can't remember. I know basically about my body composition, but I am interested in what other dimensions they test and how I compare to recommendations. I mean, I think it's pretty cool that I can run 2 miles in less than 25 minutes with no preparation and can sustain a 6-7 mph pace on a treadmill for a couple of minutes, but what are the standards? How strong do they expect 20-year-old college girls to be? I know 25% isn't awesome for body fat, but what conclusions might they draw when considered alongside my other abilities, and will they get a different number if they use a different method? Etc.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Opposite week

It seems to be opposite week chez my body. First I get back from a slothful and mildly gluttonous trip to new lows of weight and body fat. Then as I restrict to 1600 and exercise the next several days, it actually shoots up. When I go to bed at 10pm and have an alarm at 6, I'm tired and don't want to get up, but when I go to bed past midnight for the same wakeup time, I'm perky in the morning. At this rate, after my box of Annie's shells and cheese and several ice cream bars this afternoon, I'll wake up tomorrow light and feathery. I don't know, man.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Cardio pls

Pilates has potential, but I can't live on flexibility and strength conditioning alone. I need to reintroduce cardio. So I think next week I'll run in the morning on Monday and Wednesday, or at least Wednesday, and the week after that my Bikram package will be done and I'll start running Wed-Fri-Sun: an ordinary 2-mile-ish run just for a little cardio maintenance on WF, and a long run on Sundays. I expect to formulate some more specific goals for running fitness as the weather gets warmer and the school year winds up, which I will be able pursue in a targeted way over the summer.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Pilates

I didn't love my first Pilates class. It was largely an issue that happens with any fourth-quarter class: so many of the students have been there earlier in the year, the teachers start glossing over stuff, and as a new person you can get lost in the terminology you've never heard before and the difficulty of looking at the teacher who's demonstrating while doing the exercise. However, I could detect that a small sliver of what annoyed me was that some of the things were not just hard to understand, but hard to actually do, and so I think there's potential for me to build some strength. I will go to the next one on Wednesday and if it becomes more tolerable, I'll keep it. I still have two weeks to decide whether to drop it.

Monday plan

Here's my planned eats for today:



2 poached eggs, buttered toast, 1/2 sliced grapefruit, and cafe au lait (140+90+50+30+65=375)
Salad with sunflower seeds and dressing and a can of tuna (50+50+50+150=300)
Chunk of cheese (110)
Snack in class?
Chicken spaghetti casserole (and veggies?) (about 550)

This is projected at 1335, not including the possible class snack (you never know if someone's actually bringing one). My target is 1600. Therefore, if I'm under 1500 by after-dinner (allows 165 "extra"), then I get an ice cream bar.

Plan/strategies for Hum snack: either JUST SAY NO or take a small amount. Drink water or coffee. Prefer juice and hard candy to solid snack foods.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Go figure

So I go away for a week, have positive calorie balance most of the days, have virtually no daily activity, only do one run the whole time, eat chocolate pie with whipped cream one night, breaded chicken strips the next day, and binge on Easter candy... and come back to new lows in both weight and fat percentage. WTF body.

This morning, 132.6 (-1.0 from when I left) and 24.2% fat. If it was just weight, I'd chalk it up to my period ending or being dehydrated from travel, but then you'd expect the body fat to go up. I don't really know what's up with that seeing as I basically sat on my ass the whole time.

Still, it strikes me that it's been a month since I reached my 50-pound goal, and I've only lost 2 pounds since then. Not that it's a big deal, but I'm enthusiastic about getting back into gear this coming week, with daily exercise and low-calorie meal plans and ice cream bribes. I, or rather my boyfriend while I was on airplanes, got a box of Skinny Cow ice cream bars and my plan is that at least some days this week, if I am within my target for the day minus 100 calories by the end of dinner, then I can have a 100-calorie ice cream bar for dessert. Ice cream is one of my favorite foods, so I think this ought to be pretty motivating for being judicious about food offered to me during the day and not overeating at dinner.

Friday, March 25, 2011

So I need a plan

Yep, definitely need a plan. The last two days have been an unmitigated disaster of sitting around my dad's house doing next to nothing and eating everything tasty in his kitchen, including a lot of bread, cheese, peanut butter, and chocolate. Which, come to think of it, is what I've ALWAYS done at my dad's, and might have had something to do with the development of those eating habits that kept me around 165 for so long. But that is neither here nor there.

Two not insignificant issues are fundamentally biological and can't-do-anything-about-it. One, it's very dry here, easy to get dehydrated, which leads to low energy and empty-needy feeling in the stomach, which mimics hunger, and since it's SO much dryer than my usual environment plus the water doesn't taste very good, it's difficult to even keep up with my basic hydration needs, let alone use water as an appetite suppressant as I'm accustomed to doing. Two, I'm in a place I can't navigate where everything is very spread-out and outside is all compacted snow and ice, so the ways of getting out and active, whether for casual activity or a run, are very limited. Not being active causes one to burn fewer calories, and also to feel somewhat stiff and low-energy, and lack endorphins.

Mental issues include boredom, which is highly influenced by the middle-of-nowhere-ness of this place and the lack of exercise. The other thing is not knowing what to expect, having no structure to my day. These are somewhat intertwined issues. When I am at home and easily eat little, it's pretty much because I have an idea of what times I'm going to eat and am absorbed with other things in the betweentimes. I only think of eating at other times than I planned if my body is really insistent about it, or if I feel the need for a distraction, but my environmental conditions usually make it inconvenient to indulge the latter case.

So tomorrow, there is going to be a dinner type thing at 5:30. There might be some other stuff earlier in the day. I am planning to eat scrambled eggs for breakfast, then drink coffee (I haven't been drinking as much coffee either, which might have something to do with it) and snack on clementines, hot cocoa, and skim milk throughout the day, with a can of beans for a filling but rather low-calorie protein source to back me up if I need it. At dinner and also throughout, one thing to remember is not to give in to munchy pleasure, the swallowing and filling up your stomach kind of enjoyment. Instead focus on the taste enjoyment, pleasure at the front of your mouth, tip of your tongue. You can get by on less that way, eat slower, and wait for satiety signals.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

probably gain half a pound instead of lose it

At least I got out for a walk today, even if I ate two dozen Reese's peanut butter eggs while doing so...

Adverse conditions

The conditions here are really terrible for weight loss. We have:

- Junk food readily available and visible
- Not much to do and 20 minutes' drive into town
- Dry climate that makes you constantly thirsty even if you drink a lot of water
- Icy roads that make running tough
- Unfamiliar, non-gridded roads that I might get lost on if I went running by myself

So I'm only earning a sedentary 1750 or so calories a day, and am constantly fending off the behavioral availability of eating. Well, life is life. When I get back I have low-calorie, lower-carb meal plans, careful scheduling, and environmental control strategies to lose a couple more pounds before my birthday and the end of phase 3. By the way, I'm not taking aerobics next quarter but instead pilates on Monday and Wednesday. I can keep going to yoga on Tuesday and Thursday and this will improve my evening load a bit and also spread my exercise out so there is some on all four days of the fully-booked week. My Bikram package expires soon and since we may be moving soon, I can't afford to get another one. So I'll be mostly relying on those school classes, and maybe I'll take advantage of the weekends to get back into regular running, since the weather's getting warmer. I could see doing a short run (2-3 mi) on Fridays, a little yoga at home on Saturday, and a longer run on Sunday. That would give me approximately 150 calories of lifestyle activity and 200-300 calories of exercise over my sedentary expenditure each day, so if I kept my calories down to my sedentary expenditure or less (I checked again and actually it's about 1730 right now), I'd keep losing around 3/4 pound a week. If I stayed below 1600 four days a week I could have two 2000-calorie days for the same results, in theory. I think I have 4 Bikram classes left to use up before 4/11, so I will have to either take 2 each of the coming weekends or 1 on of the 8th, 9th, and 10th, unless I'm able to make it to one on Sunday, but since I'm now staying an extra day, I will have a lot to do when I get back.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My dad's diet

My dad is such a dork. He has no milk in his fridge, only half-and-half. He puts it in his coffee and also on his cereal, which he doesn't eat in the morning, but rather at night if he gets hungry after dinner. One of his favorite ridiculous snacks is Fruity Pebbles with half-and-half.

He also revealed that his usual eating routine involves no breakfast, a constant supply of coffee all morning, then for lunch fast food, or more recently turkey and vegetable wraps that he brings from home, or on a bad day, a string of chocolate bars until the end of the workday, and finally a huge dinner. I know from experience typical dinner is pasta or frozen pizza, although I think he eats meaty, higher-protein options without me. And admittedly, there are more vegetables in his fridge now than I am accustomed to seeing.

Incidentally, he's pretty in-shape. He runs fairly long distances (5 miles easily, marathons on special occasions) He's 5'11" and has usually been between about 165-195, and he's looking like he's on the fit side right now. I don't really know how this works.

When we go into town later, I will buy myself a quart of skim or 2% and maybe some apples or lettuce. He has juice and chopped-up peppers and onions and celery, but I don't think I saw any whole fruits and I'd have to go check again to see if there's any salad greens. There was dressing, but that doesn't mean he uses it often. It might even be for the wraps.

Monday, March 21, 2011

goin away blah

Well on Saturday I weighed in at 134.2 and 25.2% fat but today the reading's down to 133.6 and 24.7% body fat. Go figure. It would be nice to lose half a pound to a pound over my trip, I think. Which means I'll mentally be aiming for more than a pound, but be satisfied as long as I'm down 0.4 afterward. Unless I change my mind about whether I care before then.

So I'll be back Saturday. I might actually post while I'm out of town, since the internet doesn't really care about things like that. But I won't have a scale and won't be counting my calories carefully, if at all, until I get back.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Bad times and chocolate coping

It's been tough recently.

A loved family member died this morning. He was diagnosed with cancer only about a month and a half ago, nobody had any clue before then, and we made plans for me to go visit him over Spring Break, and guess what, today was the last day of my quarter. My flight there is on Monday. His wife's birthday is tomorrow. It just all sucks.

Having to watch this happen over phones and internet during the last two weeks of my quarter when I had all kinds of papers and midterms and play performances was pretty rough. I've eaten quite a bit of brownies, candy, nondairy ice cream the past couple of days. I sort of know this is an excuse. I'm about 60% sure I wouldn't be responding to stress/grief by eating if it weren't a total trope that I've read about so much over the course of my weight loss journey. But I don't care that much. Probably, when this Lent thing ends, I will go straight back to smoking pot and do that instead of eating. That's not a great coping strategy either and kind of kills the point of abstaining for a bit - kind of, not entirely - but I don't really care about that either. It's all about not caring. About dropping all the put-togetherness and saying fuck it, I'm just going to throw myself into something I feel like doing, something that's supposed to be comforting, because even if it's not, it's at least distracting, and it feels like... like a certain kind of power to allow myself not to worry about, not to constrain and control myself. Because shit fucking sucks and one way to reduce the stress is to not hold myself to high standards about stuff that isn't that important in the short term.

I talked to one of my classmates yesterday about it and she said that last semester she had someone important die too. I made a joke about chocolate and she said yeah, she gained about 2 pounds in brownies when that happened. That really brought me down to earth about the food thing. 2 pounds, so what if I gain 2 pounds? I've lost 50. It's not as though a week or two of throwing caution to the winds is going to ruin my whole project. It's not as if I won't be coping with this through exercise, too. It's not as if I can eat 500 calories in excess several days in a row without feeling yucky. Even if I'm logging quite a few positive calorie balances these days, it's not going to have a huge impact immediately.

So there's that. Oh, and I won't be counting calories next week because I'll be away and because fuck that and because it's another "test" although based on what I said above who cares if I "fail" it. Meh.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Weigh-in, body fat goal, gotta go

Oh, right, I have a blog. No, I'm not avoiding you. I've just been insanely busy this week.

Yesterday I was 133.8 and 25.2% body fat which is what, -0.8 from last week? Not bad for a week when I only had two workouts at all. Yesterday I broke my pseudo-Lent-fast slightly, as I had decided in advance I was allowed to for that particular day, by drinking some wine with my cast-mates. I made these super delicious vegan chocolate coconut cookie bars and also these things that are like mashed potatoes and vegetables in cups of pie crust, ate a lot of them, and had wine, but actually, the cast party was way less intense than I thought it might be, so I didn't do any other drugs or even eat anything off-Lent. Just the wine.

Anyway, this morning I was 24.7% fat, which means I've met my second body fat goal. Awesome sauce. And now I gotta go - lots of schoolwork still to do this weekend.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

First post-goal weigh-in

Today I still weigh 134.6 pounds and I clock in at 26.4% body fat. I'm not thrilled that my body fat has apparently gone up while my weight has stayed the same. I was a little lax this week, but I still had some deficit each day, and I was hoping to lose a little, if not the usual 1-2 pounds.

Bought new pants today. I hate shopping for pants. You put one tiny little constraint on the kind of pants you want, like "black jeans", and suddenly the whole world has turned against you. You walk in wearing 6P jeans that are getting a bit loose, so you look for 4P in the same brand, and they fit alright, but they are all a stupid shape. All the brands that have black jeans in an unstupid shape are sized so big that even the 4s are just as loose as the pants you're already wearing, but there aren't any 2s on the rack to try on. The only brands that have any 2s are the ones sized the opposite direction so that you'd have to weigh about 90 pounds to fit into them.

I found some pants eventually, but it was a huge pain in the ass. I was almost ready to give up. Fortunately, they were clearanced, so that was a little spritz of happy at the end of the whole affair. They are 4's and they are nice and snug around my hipbones, which I really enjoy because it reminds me to feel skinny, but they're roomy/stretchy enough everywhere else to allow free movement. They're nice.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

GOAL PARTAAAAYYY!!!

This shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s... okay, no.

This morning I'm 134.6 pounds (2.2 down from last week) and 25.6% body fat. So I've hit my goal right on the dot, and my lean mass is still in triple digits. I now get to see what my ticker does when you hit goal, which turns out to be: nothing interesting. It just says 0 lb to go. And 50 pounds lost. Which is pretty awesome - 50 pounds lost. Annika Q and the whole 50 pounds... that she got rid of. Not to mention 3 compounds of 10% of my body weight. I tripled what they usually get in those obesity-and-dieting studies. Woohoo!

I took my measurements as well: waist 26 3/4, hips 37 1/4, thigh 21 1/2, arm 11. My waist hasn't changed a ton lately and my arm measure has been totally stalled for a while, but my hip and thigh measures have dropped a lot since I last measured. That helps to explain why my pants are getting baggy. However, considering it's currently subfreezing outside, it's actually rather useful to be able to wear an extra pair of yoga pants under my jeans.

I'll do a more thorough debriefing and where-do-we-go-from-here reflection on my birthday, when phase 3 is officially over. However, for now what I'll say is - I'm happy with my weight, and I wouldn't mind if this was the end, but I don't think it has to be, and I think my ideal weight/fat content is still lower. I haven't met my <25% body fat goal yet. I think in the future, my ceiling weight should be around 145. That's when I really began to feel like I looked good and felt good, and it's within normal BMI. At the moment, I'll keep exercising and calorie counting, but think less about weight, more about body fat %, and most of all about fitness. I'll probably go for a bit less calorie deficit than I have been, inching toward a more maintenance-oriented version of this lifestyle. For example, I have my aerobics class certain days and I might choose to do yoga on the alternate days, rather than doing them the same day and then other hi-cal workouts the other days. I would try to get back into running, but I think I'll wait for the weather to get above, oh, fifty Fahrenheit. It just sucks futzing with layers and the air freezes your throat and if your ears aren't warm enough you get a terrible headache and so on...

Oh, and one last thing - I'm dropping sugar and refined flour from my pseudo-Lent restrictions because I feel like it is a) not really a big issue for me in the first place, b) hard to enforce, and thereby c) being a pain in the ass in a way that is not useful. Just a few examples to justify my choice: I can't eat the honey roasted peanuts my boyfriend bought because they have regular sugar in them too, but I can make cookies with honey. If I want to go get a yogurt for a snack, most of the time I'm out of luck because I don't want to eat plain yogurt or yogurt sweetened with Splenda, but all other yogurt is sweetened with sugar except maybe those awesome Fage cups. I ate a salad the other day from the salad bar and used this orange ginger dressing, and it didn't even occur to me to think salad dressing might have sugar, but when I got to the bottom of the bowl I realized it was really sweet. Anyway, so I'm still excluding milk, cheese, butter, and intoxicants, but I think the whole thing might have started out too broad.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Weigh-in and pants

Today I am 136.8 pounds at 27.0% body fat, which is 1.2 pounds down from last week. Happy days! I will soon meet my goal which, although I think it will not be the end of my body improvement journey, will be pretty awesome to say I finally met, considering I first conceptualized it when I was 13 and it ended up being a 50-pound goal.

My pants situation. I've been wearing these size 6 jeans for a while, since about 155. They are finally starting to get loose enough that I think I'd like to go shop for size 4 jeans, although they'll be perfectly acceptable for wearing for a while yet. I will look for some black jeans because I need something black for a performance I'm going to be in soon. Anyway, I also have these size 4 pants that I bought in order to have something "business casual" before my Europe trip. The 4Ps I tried on were too small, but the 6Ms were too long, so I settled for a 4M, and it's just not quite the right shape, so I haven't really been wearing those much, but anyway, a 4 has fit for a while. The sixth grade pants, size 8 in some mysterious system that is scaled way small, have gradually come to fit more and more, and they've reached a point where I can tell they're just never going to fit properly, because they are actually getting loose on the hips, but still are too tight in the thighs. So sad, but at least I can put that question to rest. I may try and patch the cool design they have onto another pair of pants. Finally - this morning I was wearing this size-6 skirt that was slightly tight when I acquired it and now fits perfectly, when my boyfriend brought me a size 2 pair of pants he found abandoned in the laundry room. I looked at them, thought "yeah those look a little small," but tried them on. If they were made out of an ordinary, not so stretchy material they would be wearable but too tight to move in, but with 3% lycra-spandex they fit perfectly. So apparently I now wear anywhere from a 2 to a 6. I find this really interesting because when I wore size 10 or 12 and even 8, I was just one size unless I was borderline and then one would be a little loose and one a little tight. Now, apparently, I span 3 sizes. So strange.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Gluten-free dairy-free milk and cookies

Sounds ridiculous? Nuts are nutritionally similar to milk, and an egg is a sufficient binder to allow them to replace flour as well (not with the same texture, but like a scone or cornmeal muffin). You could also make a vegan but glutinous version by throwing in some flour and substituting the egg with a banana. If you wanted it totally vegan AND gluten-free, there are specialized egg replacers and gluten-free flours available to experiment with, but my general rule is I don't write recipes that require expensive and specific products. I don't want to buy them, and others might not be able to find the particular brand of something, which tends to matter in the gluten-free world.


Without further ado:

Ingredients:

1 cup almonds
4 cups water
2 x 1/2 tsp vanilla
1 Tbsp + 2 Tbsp honey
1 egg
2 Tbsp oil
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt

Equipment:

Blender
Large piece of cloth or fine-meshed strainer
Cookie sheet
Mixing bowls & fork

Procedure:

Soak almonds overnight and discard soaking water. Add soaked almonds and fresh water to a blender and blend at high speed for 1-2 minutes. Strain into a jar, squeeze out the pulp thoroughly, and set aside. Stir 1 Tbsp of honey and 1/2 tsp vanilla into the milk (these are optional and the milk is fine without, but in my opinion they make it significantly tastier).

Spread the reserved almond pulp across a cookie sheet and leave in the oven on low heat until dry. You may have to check a few times and break up damp clumps. When the almond grounds are ready, remove from cookie sheet and preheat oven to 375 F. Mix baking powder and salt with almond grounds. In a separate bowl, mix 2 Tbsp honey, 1/2 tsp vanilla, oil, and egg. Add dry ingredients to wet. Form the mixture into 8 patties and place on cookie sheet. Bake for 10-15 minutes. The cookies are best after they have cooled slightly.

Pair 2 cookies with 1 cup of milk for a yield of 4 servings, or use them separately. I don't have a good way of determining how many calories go into the milk vs. stay in the pulp, but assuming it's half and half, the milk is 115 calories per 8 oz and the cookies are 105 calories each, for a total of 325 calories per serving when combined as suggested (a rather large snack, or add some fruit for a nice breakfast).

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Weigh-in with the LAST MICROGOAL

Well how's this for progress: 138.0 and 27.6% body fat! Actually, I'm extremely skeptical of this number since that means I lost 2.4 pounds since YESTERDAY. But then there was the time I lost 4 pounds in less than a week after breaking through my 170 plateau, so who knows. If you frame it as 3.2 pounds since 3 weeks ago, it sounds a little more reasonable. At any rate, I'll count myself as having cracked my last microgoal. The LAST ONE, before my final goal. As in, I have less than 5 pounds to go. Oh, and my ticker is now so close to the end that the current number is overlapping with the goal number. This is really amazing.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Progress, metabolism, and set points

Today saw a new low of 140.4, which is a good sign. It's about time this train got moving again. When I showed my boyfriend the flatline of the past couple of weeks, he said "well maybe that's just the weight your body wants to be when you're fit and working out." I said maybe if it doesn't budge for another month I'll consider that hypothesis, but I think it's just a plateau. My reasoning is, at the beginning of January my estimated calorie balance was pretty much in line with my actual weight loss. If the flatline was a reflection of my "really" maintaining, my burn rate would have had to drop to at least 300 calories less than what my formulas predict, in just a few weeks, with no unusual metabolism-affecting behavior on my part. I find that implausible.

It's actually really fascinating to me, why different people have stable or unstable body weight, where their most stable body weight is, and how much ease or difficulty they have in changing it. There's set point theory, which is supported by numerous studies of generally two types. One type is conducted on normal weight people who are put on either low- or high-calorie diets; they tend to lose or gain less weight than expected purely from calorie calculations, and also vary within the sample in ways consistent with their family history as to how much weight change is experienced and whether muscle or fat is affected. The other type of study is conducted on moderately obese people who are put on a diet, and the usual result is that they can lose about 10% of their body weight and then stall out, either because they start getting too hungry to stick to the diet, or for no clear reason even though they are continuing to comply. One flaw with some of these studies is that they put people on extreme diets suddenly, which will of course have metabolic effects, but others make reasonable changes and still get the same results.

Then there are the common and not-so-common situations that really throw that whole idea into question, or at least demand a better understanding of how a set point is set. There are extreme examples like Jennette Fulda/PastaQueen, who became almost 400 pounds and then lost half her body weight, or Jessica Smith who similarly was very fat and then slimmed down enormously. Then what about the "freshman 15" effect? If body weight is more or less hardwired, then why do so many people gain weight when they go to college - why don't their natural hunger mechanisms compensate for the different environmental conditions, say, causing them to eat lightly the day after a pizza party? Why do some people seem to gain weight at much more than the typical pound-per-year rate, piling on the pounds until they reach a psychological breaking point, and always have trouble maintaining a weight loss even if they previously were stable for a time at that weight? Why has my boyfriend's weight been stable plus or minus 2 pounds for years, whereas mine has been more like plus or minus 15? And why has it been so easy for me to lose over 40 pounds? I'm now almost 10 pounds lighter than I ever was as a teenager, 25 pounds lighter than my most average weight, what you might have called my apparent set point, and I'm feeling no backlash. I am still pushing typical deficits of 300-600 calories, and I'm not killing my life with exercise or white-knuckling against hunger. How do you explain that in set point theory?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Lent

I know, Ash Wednesday isn't for another month. However, I'm not actually a Christian so I can run my "Lent" so that it ends on the spring equinox if I want.

I have, however, been reading some Christians in my humanities class, and the focus of my pseudo-Lent is to remove what St. Ignatius of Loyola would call "disordered attachments". As such I'm focusing on three main categories - intoxicants, sugar, and milk - expanded and modified to suit both my own purposes and some of the traditional spirit of Lent.

Intoxicants is primarily targeted at pot. I smoke too much pot and I lean on it too much. So I'm not smoking pot. I'm also excluding alcohol because, although I don't drink very much, it has a similar... draw, shall we say, in terms of its drug effect. Nicotine, though I also rarely smoke tobacco, is implicitly excluded for the same reasons. Either of those could easily replace pot, were I to allow it, and that would defeat the point. I'm also excluding other drugs which do not have the same disordering attractiveness, like psychedelics, because I think general sobriety is a main point of Lent. However, I'm not excluding caffeine because that would be academically irresponsible. One could make a number of arguments that I should, but it's not what I'm choosing to focus on. I think it's okay because it does not have the same potential for abuse. Since I'm excluding sugar and milk, it will not be inordinately a pleasure to seek out, and if you try to abuse coffee like you can with pot or cigarettes, you just feel awful by the end of the day.

Milk specifically includes milk and cheese, and specifically excludes yogurt. I don't know why, but yogurt just doesn't have the same excessive appeal as milk and cheese, and it's a good source of protein and healthy gut flora. Butter doesn't have that much appeal either, but I'm going to exclude it because it's just another really rich thing that I don't need. In the same vein, I'm not eating meat (including fish). I'm still waffling on eggs. On the one hand, it seems in the spirit to go vegan (except for the yogurt). On the other hand, they fall in the same category as yogurt in that I'm not excessively drawn to them and they are nutritious. We're going to eat the eggs that are in our fridge and then make a decision about whether to buy them for the remainder of the time.

Sugar means refined sugar. Naturally occurring sweetness is fine. Honey I will allow. However, crystals of -oses that don't come out of a bee's behind are not allowed. I'm not being a fascist about tracking down every teeny little bit of high fructose corn syrup in who knows what. It's common sense - this isn't a cleanse where if it enters your body it taints, it's a mental purification and disciplinary practice. If it's not obviously sweet and doesn't have a strange draw, I'm not going to worry too much. In this basket, I'm also not eating non-whole grains. No enriched unbleached flour bagels.

Hopefully this will have some beneficial effects on my weight loss, but more so my mind.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Push up victory?

So this morning I did a push up.

I know, I can't really believe it either.

In fact, right after I did it, I was so disbelieving I asked my boyfriend if that looked like a real pushup. I mean, I must have collapsed my form or something to do that, right?

But he said it looked like a real pushup.

I've been trying to do another one since, and it hasn't worked. I guess I have to believe the witness.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Bored weigh in

So, I haven't posted much lately. That's because nothing is happening. I'm not losing and I'm not gaining. I'm going to school and doing yoga and aerobics and elliptical, and often feeling hungry at night or hungrier due to exercise, but still pushing a deficit most days. Yesterday I weighed in at 141.4 pounds, and I was out of town the week before, but two Saturdays ago I weighed 141.2 pounds. So that's +0.2 pounds in 2 weeks. Statistically insignificant. My body fat percentage has also been going nowhere since I got back from my trip. It's somewhere between 28% and 29%.

However, one must remember I encountered a similarly irritating plateau just above 170, and I think there was a little bit of a plateau around 155. Every 15 pounds. I hope that's what this is - a plateau that will eventually break, and not the point at which my formulas are showing inaccuracy. For now I will keep eating as lightly as I can manage, go to vinyasa yoga 2x a week, aerobics 2x a week, elliptical when it fits into the schedule, and next week when I deposit my financial aid check I can get a Bikram package which will give me 1-2 Bikram classes each weekend. And let's hope this thing cracks

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

ideaplan

This is more of an idea than a plan. I'm not setting any goals for follow-through. But here's the idea: during the week I stay pretty strict with my diet. I aim for 1500-1600, maybe 1700 calories along with my exercise and I do not let cravings, mere opportunity, etc interfere. On the weekends, I am a little more lax, having treats or eating out and being comfortable with closer to 2000 calories a day. In addition, at some point during the weekend (end of class on Friday thru Sunday night), I am allowed one "binge", which might spike my calories. I'm not defining it very tightly, except that it should not become an all-day thing. The rest of whatever day it occurs on, the guidelines are in line with what I said above. You know what it is when you do it, but examples might be: a quart of ice cream, a huge plate of pasta with creamy cheese sauce, a package of wafer cookies and a whole bag of potato chips, a box of donuts and milk, a plate of breaded chicken strips and french fries, half a batch of chocolate chip cookies, a whole bag of individual-wrapped chocolates.

The motivation behind this idea is that as I get lighter, the calorie levels needed to create a deficit are more difficult to hit. If I don't happen to exercise on a day, I have to eat less than 1500 calories to have a pound-per-week equivalent deficit. It takes more, psychologically, to make the deficit many days in a row. Fitting in restaurant meals or indulgences isn't too hard on 1800 calories, but it is on 1500, so the idea is to simply loosen up at the time (weekends) when opportunities are most likely to arise. The allowed "binge" is just an outlet for cravings, and knowing there's a specific time for it makes it easier to wait for.