I've got a confession to make...

... which is absolutely the most cliche title I could have given this post, especially considering I don't think any of my 3 supposed followers actually read my blog, and if there a were a real follower, s/he could easily deduce most of it from my posted data. But this needs to be written and analyzed because that Annika Q's Universal Solution to any problem.

My habits are slipping. I've begun drinking too much coffee and smoking pot too often, which you wouldn't know from the data. I also have been exercising only every other day all week. It started out with good reasons - we spent most of the day driving back on Sunday, I knew ahead of time I wouldn't get any more exercise than the bike ride home. Tuesday, I was in some combination of pain or lightheaded hunger most of the day, so I gave myself a pass on that one. But there was really no excuse for Thursday. Today, I really really was going to go out to the track... and then I got a little distracted and got too hungry to go out, had to eat lunch, and then was too full to want to run. I don't know if I'll end up going today, because there's a lot to do. Including reading for Monday, which is of course about to become the biggest time-sink in my life. At least I've eaten low calories on the days I didn't exercise - the diet really hasn't been that hard, calorically anyway. But I did experience some weirdly strong carb cravings this afternoon, and I notice that I've sort of started ignoring the reduced-dairy thing I had started a while ago. Besides, exercise is important not only because it's generally good for me but because it leads to larger deficits. I can eat lower total calories on days I don't exercise, but I can do larger deficits when I do exercise because 500 calories of exercise doesn't make me hungry for 500 extra calories.

Part of this maybe has got to do with the general disturbance this month has been. My job ended so I didn't go somewhere in the morning every day. I went on a bike trip, then was back for a week, then went on a long camping trip and came back. It's hard to re-establish routine after those kinds of things. Also, the intense exercise I did on those excursions was largely fueled by energy bars, which are rewarding and full of sugar. Calorically, they were justified, but they may have left some baggage.

Part of it may be psyching myself out. School's about to start, and I might be using it as an excuse to start failing early, in a way. I also just lost 4 pounds and zoomed past my first goal in a week away, which sends a bit of a "you can be lax" message. And I'm now at the weight I've been for most of my life. It seems a little less pressing to change what I'm used to than it was to undo recent damage.

Part of it is probably what I'm reading. What you read has a tendency to change your head - that's the whole premise of school. What I've lately been reading is PastaQueen (see sidebar). I'm up to a point in her archives where she has been basically stable for I don't know, a year or so at a point about 20 pounds from her goal weight, and isn't really bothered by it. Let me tell you, I felt a lot more energized to go run when I was reading anorexic blogs, and a lot more prone to do push-ups in between clips of Supersize vs. Superskinny. I guess they really are "thinspiring." That was the whole point of the original "obsessional diet" title - I'm so blah about this stuff normally, I have to practically pretend to have an ED to find an effective medium.

Although school will definitely be a time-sink, I think it'll be helpful to an extent by routinizing my life. I'll be on campus with the gym every day, and there's a specific morning window when I can do my exercise. Also, it'll give me stuff to think about besides my stupid weight. This has basically been my project all summer, and it's been particularly thought-consuming in August since my job ended. It's also getting to the point where the results are slowing down and the execution isn't so novel anymore. As long as I can get my exercise out of the way early each day, it'll be easy to go the whole day without thinking about food, then I spend 10 minutes planning tomorrow's and each night I get to look at an effortless deficit. Because I'll have other things to pay attention to, hopefully the next 5-10 pounds will just whiz by even if they're not going away that quickly.

Whatever happens tonight and tomorrow, I'm going on a neighborhood run Monday morning. I'll do 20 minutes of elliptical on Tuesday before yoga, and I'll do a regular 40 minutes before class on Wednesday. Repeat for Thursday and Friday, and go to the track Saturday. That's how I'm kicking off my first week of school. The diet should take care of itself - we planned dinner and breakfast for each day of the week, and whatever I bring to school is all I can eat for lunch and snacks. I've also added some new features to my second spreadsheet, which starts on the 14th, and which will estimate my daily deficit.

Saturday summary

Weekly weigh-ins and summaries are now back to being on Saturdays. I thought for a moment that it might be better to keep them on Monday since my 99-day period ends on a Monday, but a moment later I thought, self, are you crazy, you'll be too busy with school and procrastinate the update until the next Saturday anyway. Which is not to say I won't celebrate my 99 days in a timely manner. I just don't want to be writing up one of these posts EVERY Monday.

Today I am 165 even and 36.9% fat, to which I say: fair enough. I knew something was fishy when I lost 4 pounds last week. I think my crazy hikes with under 2000 calories even those days, were just too much. They probably burned all the fat they could (accounting for about 2 pounds of the loss), cannibalized some muscle too (causing an additional, less favorable loss), and totally drained my glycogen (leading to a water loss that subsequently rebounded). So I'm still waiting for "really" 20 pounds, but I never bounced up above 166.2 this week either.

5-day stats: average kcals/day 1602, 3 cardio, 3 strength workouts, +0.4 lbs.

Friday 8/27

Scrambled eggs with cheese and sauteed onions on toast (140+110+60+10+110=430)
String cheese and peppermint patty (60+140=200)
Sardines over rice with tomato sauce and a nectarine (140+160+50+70=420)
Coffee cocoa (120)
Broccoli-cheese polenta-rice wedges with black beans (330+230+30=590)
String cheese (60)

430+200+420+120+590+60=1820 + Elliptical (41 min, 547 cals) and pull-up practice

Thursday 8/26

Yogurt and granola with coffee (85+255=340)
TLC sandwich, most of a plum, and green tea (220+220+25+60=525)
Red beans 'n' rice and a string cheese (75+60=135)
Salad with dressing and whole-wheat linguine with sauce (20+30+250+100=400)
Ice cream (75)

340+525+135+400+75=1475 + no exercise

Wednesday 8/25

Egg on toast with cheese and coffee (70+110+110=290)
Ice cream (300)
Macaroni and cheese with a tofu dog (105+200+45=350)
Plucot, tofu dog, and ice cream (70+45+75=190)
String cheese (60)
Soupy red beans 'n' rice (75)

290+300+350+190+60+75=1265 + Elliptical (20 min, 300 cals) and pull-up practice

Tuesday 8/24

Broccoli-cheese polenta-rice wedge with black beans and green tea (165+115=280)
Frozen yogurt cup (160)
Ice cream cup (300)
2 string cheese and milk (120+60=180)
Macaroni and cheese, green beans, and tofu dogs (450+110+50+90=700)
Ice cream (300)

280+160+300+180+700+300=1920 + no exercise

Monday 8/23

2 instant oatmeal packets, cottage cheese, and coffee (260+110=370)
1.5 Powerbars (360)
Hot cocoa (185)
Chunk of cheese (110)
Broccoli-cheese polenta-rice wedges with black beans (330+175=505)

370+360+185+185+110+505=1530 + Elliptical (41 min, 509 cals) and pull-up practice

The "I carried something as heavy as my lost weight" post

And that item is a messenger bag filled with the textbooks I bought yesterday. With that over my shoulder, I weigh 183.4 pounds. Like everyone, I'm struck with the thought that it's freakin' heavy and I used to be carrying that weight all the time. But more fun is the thought that biking to school will carry as much weight, literally, as the biking to work I did this summer. Thus, less decrease in calories burned from routine daily activity.

Would you rather be anorexic or obese?

I found this question on Yahoo Answers. It's a week old, so I couldn't contribute, but it's an interesting question. I tallied up the results.

Anorexic: 22 (61%)
Obese: 7 (19%)
Refused to choose: 6 (17%)
Undecided: 1 (3%)

A few I threw out because they were kind of non sequiturs.

I would rather be obese. It's a mildly to moderately unpleasant physical and social condition (depending on degree), but you keep your own head. You're not trapped by your own weird compulsions around food (unless you got there by an overconsumptive eating disorder, but I'm assuming this is garden variety obesity) and you have the option of accepting yourself. Have you ever heard of an anorexic who likes her body? She may look good, depending on how much weight she's lost, but she thinks she's fat and always needs to go further. At least when you're obese, you're actually fat and seeing what's there.

Yet there's a part of me that feels like I'm just saying that. It's all tied in with how I can't seem to decide whether I want to live a controlled or an uncontrolled life. I've been choosing the controlled life so far because I guess deep down I believe it's the better one, but there's almost a yearning to experience the other side, to feel the rush of it, and at least have it proven that it's worse. That impulse thinks, hey, I've already been on the low end of obese. It's not great and not that interesting. Anorexia might be hell, but it would undeniably be interesting, intense, and new, so if I had to choose...

*common sense shudder*

Anyway, these were some of the comments I found most interesting:

Best Answer Chosen by Asker:"Obese. i'd rather eat than starve."

A former anorexic: "hmmmm interesting. having previously been anorexic, i can tell you it is not a pleasant mindset what so ever - it messes u up so badly both mentally and physically however, as a person who is still very concious of weight, i would hate even more so to be obese...."

Made me cringe a little: "Anorexic, because I can make myself look normal by wearing more layers. You can't really hide your figure when you're obese." The person in their thumbnail photo looked about 14.

Contrasting views: "anorexic. people feel bad for them, obese people get made fun of." vs. "obese, its normal these days."

Clear rejection of question: "None. But if i had to choose none."

A whole string of people answered with just the word "anorexic," and one person with just the word "obese". It's a little freaky that anorexic wins on Yahoo Answers, although I think it was more evenly split among the people who actualy gave reasons. Do people not realize how terrible it is to be anorexic, or do they think obesity is that bad? Maybe I'll set up a poll in my sidebar to get a different sampling. It would also serve as a gauge of blog traffic, but I suppose I could just get a pageview counter for that. Except then my views build up on it. Meh.

Oh, and you know what? Since I've reached my first meso goal, I think I'll spruce up my blog background again.

Musings on cause and effect

... so then I gain 1.4 pounds in a day? The first day of my period, no less? I suppose anything's possible with that crazy camping trip in the background. Or it could be due to my ridiculous diet yesterday, in which every meal contained dairy and most of my food was eaten toward the end of the day:

Broccoli-cheese polenta-rice wedge with black beans and green tea (165+115=280)
Frozen yogurt cup (160)
Ice cream cup (300)
2 string cheese and milk (120+60=180)
Macaroni and cheese, green beans, and tofu dogs (450+110+50+90=700)
Ice cream (300)

280+160+300+180+700+300=1920

Not entirely my fault, by the way. There was NO FOOD left because we just got back from camping. So the few things we had, and had bought for Sunday dinner, I cobbled into a sort of pie yesterday for dinner. The leftovers I ate for breakfast, so far so good. But I didn't want to eat it for three meals in a row. So then I was starving and I ate the frozen yogurt because it was there, in the freezer, and I had to eat it sometime right? (I didn't eat it for several weeks because it was too sweet and kinda gross, but severe hunger can change your perspective.) Then my period started and I got horrible cramps, so by midafternoon, still no proper food in the house, feeling weak from enduring the pain and the hot bath and still being really hungry, I asked my boyfriend to go get ice cream. Finally we got out shopping, and I chomped on some string cheese when I got home because I still had only eaten, oh, 740 not-very-substantial calories by 5pm. After such a physically taxing day, I was happy for the yummy dinner and I didn't really give a shit when my boyfriend wanted to have ice cream again for dessert. The end.

I do hope most of this drops off again tomorrow though. I'm going to eat less dairy, less toward the end of the day, and exercise today as well as running some errands which will increase my uncounted bike-transpo term.

Riding out the tidal wave of school

I swear every time I've lost weight, I must have gained muscle that follows me back up the weight ladder. I say this because my size-at-X-weight keeps getting smaller. When I weighed 165 in 8th grade, I wore a size 12. When I hit 180 around Christmas of my junior year, I was also a size 12, and when I got back down to 165 I was a size 10. Now I'm about 165 again, and I wear 10's, but I'm on the edge of an 8. And yet I'm still 36-37% fat?

Maybe the sizes are actually changing, like grade inflation for pants. They've certainly changed since the 60's, but do they change perceptibly over a 7-year timespan?

Anyway, school starts next Monday and it throws a whole new wrench into the gears. I've lost 20 pounds over the summer (yowzers!) and I may be able to claim 25 by the end of the 99 days. Right now it seems easy. It's never been about willpower, just ignorance - there is nothing difficult about limiting myself to one peanut butter cup when I know the exact numerical damage it will do. It's even easier to pass up the seconds of rice and beans (haha, I never get tired of this example do I?). And frankly, I'm not worried as much about my diet. I'm not living in dorms this year and won't have the money to buy a lot of on-campus food. What's more likely to go out the window is my exercise routine. So I've got a plan.

First, on the diet front - I'm in an entirely new situation. I've handled my own food before, but only while going to state school or during the summer. Preparing my own food with 26 hours a week of class and more of homework is another thing. There's also the difference of living with my boyfriend, whose body works in almost the opposite way to mine. I could go on and on, but the best example is that, left to his own devices, he would eat an enormous breakfast and an enormous dinner with maybe a few nibbles in between. On the contrary, I like a small breakfast, small dinner, large lunch, and at least 2 snacks. So, we are going to do some meal planning and weekend preparation of freezable/storable foods. I'll have to prepare my lunch, snacks, and lay out my clothes before bed because I'm terrible at getting out on time in the morning if I actually have to be creative.

Getting out on time is important because on TR, I have a 7:45 AM yoga class. If I get my ass up at 6 and don't have to do much, I can probably get down to campus at 7 when the sports center opens and get a quick elliptical workout and rinse-off done before yoga, which would be real nice. MWF I have the options of still rushing over the gym in the morning, running in the neighborhood and leaving a little later, or... sleeping in and leaving a little later.

Sleeping in will probably win a lot. It's easy to get up at 6 when you go to bed at 9:30, but when you're kept up til 11 with homework, it's hard for exercise to beat out sleep for second priority. And sleep is important to both weight loss and academic performance. But if I don't do it in the morning, school will loom in its king position for the rest of the day. So here are my goals and safety nets for exercise:

I want to keep doing cardio 5-6 times a week. This means 4-5 weekdays and 1 weekend day. First choice is running or elliptical, but if it doesn't happen in the morning, the backup plan is to speedwalk on the treadmill, 4 mph or as fast as I can go without starting to run, at least 40 minutes, whenever I don't have a specific place to be. The advantage of this is that if I'm not bouncing up and down, I can lay a book on the display and do schoolwork at the same time. It's not ideal, but it'll burn calories and not time. However, because I like being fit to run, I want to do a minimum of 2 proper runs each week. I imagine I'll go down to the local high school and run on the track for my weekend cardio, so that means I need to fit in 1 run during the week. I think I can do that.

In terms of strength training, well, let's just say it'll be a whole lot easier once I can do the exercises on my own. Then I won't have to change into gym clothes and go to the machine and wait in between sets... blah. When all I have to do is stop in at the park for 10 minutes on my way home it will be much easier. For now, I'll be happy as long as I keep doing my pull-ups 2-3x a week. At this rate, I should be able to do a pull-up unassisted by the time I reach my weight goal. I'll probably work on push-ups sporadically, but hopefully they'll improve without much specific attention because pull-ups use related muscles. Anyway, since my mornings are mostly booked, strength training will have to happen in the afternoon. I'll do it whenever I have time, in proximity to my treadmill walk if necessary, it'll be that last thing I have to do before leaving campus, and if I didn't do it Monday I must do it Tuesday.

Finally, I'm going to make an appointment with the health/counseling center to discuss ways of not getting derailed from good habits (including exercise, less sugar, less caffeine, and taking time for myself) when I am so pressed for time.

Oh, and two more things... pants

So, I had that free-box pair of 8's hanging out, and there was another pair of pants my boyfriend found (also in a free box) some time later, which are really cute. Strangely, they're labeled 13, which has me convinced it's a British 13, or else just nuts, because I have a lot of experience with 10's and 12's and it is definitely the skinnier side of a 10. Anyway, they were a little tight when I left, now they're just about perfect. The 8's are tight, and I wouldn't want to bike or go tree climbing in them, but they go on pretty easy and close without trouble. Sweet!

MESO GOAL #1 REACHED... coincident with weekly summary and other milestones

I HAVE LOST 10% OF MY STARTING BODY WEIGHT YAY!


Hahahaha. Anyway, since I've been gone from the scale for six days, I don't actually know which day I passed 166.2. But I'm going to count it as yesterday because when I stepped on right before bed, I saw exactly that number. I'm not even going to try to guess when it would have popped up in the morning.

It's funny how the clavicle likes to pop out way before anything else. It looks all bony, yet you can see in the shoulder that my arms are still plump and round. Some other bones are starting to come out by feel, but aren't visible yet.

Today's weigh-in: 164.6 lbs, 36.6% body fat. Incidentally, this means I've lost exactly 20 pounds as well. And it is quite lovely to see my BMI dip to 27.4. It means I've crossed half of the "overweight" range.

Also, my parents finally noticed I'm losing weight. So, somewhere between 16.6 and 20.0 pounds is what it takes. Good to know? Eh. I'm looking forward to the double take... somewhere around Christmas, when they go "you've lost MORE weight, haven't you?" and I get to quote some number near to 30 pounds cumulative.

Quick stats: average kcals/day 1771, 2 regular cardio, 1 strength workout, 2 insane hikes, 1 walkadoo, -4.2 lbs.

It's like my body is making up for the time it spent dawdling at 170-171. I've lost 7.4 pounds in the last 2 weeks! But if you go back 4-5 weeks, then it averages out to 1.6 lbs/week.

Data:

Sunday 8/22

2 instant oatmeal packets and a tofu dog (260+60=320)
Powerbar (230)
Taco Bell burrito and a few drinks of Pepsi (490+50=540)
Piece of green pepper (20)
1/2 Powerbar (120)
Baked potato with cheese and broccoli (250+220+50=520)

320+230+540+20+120+520=1750 + no exercise

Saturday 8/21

Tofurky sausage, potatoes with ketchup, and tea (270+200+30=500)
Half bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon, and a slice of Edam cheese (135+70+70+30=305)
Vanilla milk (190)
Chili with cheese, corn on the cob, beer, and 1 peanut butter cup (270+110+120+155+60=715)

500+305+190+715=1710 + Leisurely hiking (~1 mi and ~3 mi)

Friday 8/20

Lentil/cheese/caponata medley and a few bites undercooked potato (300+20)
Powerbar (230)
Provolone, Tofurky, and tomato sandwich (200+140+80+15=435)
Powerbar (240)
Risotto, lettuce, and wine (500+175=675)
18.5 jellybeans (75)

320+230+435+240+675+75=1975 + Intense hiking (6 mi, +500 ft, -2000 ft)

Thursday 8/19

Veggie and cheese scramble, toast, juicebox, and tea (300+100+120=520)
2 peanut butter cups and 1 Emergen-C (180+20=200)
Caponata sandwich (400)
2 Powerbars (230+240=470)
Lentil/cheese/caponata medley (300)

520+200+400+470+300=1890 + Intense hiking (6 mi, +2000 ft, -500 ft)

Wednesday 8/18

2 instant oatmeal packets and yogurt (340+85=425)
Juicebox (120)
Open face tuna melt, apple, and a slice of Tofurky (100+100+110+100+20=430)
Powerbar (230)
Lentil potato curry and 3 peanut butter cups (300+180=480)
Partial slice of provolone (60

425+120+430+230+480+60=1745 + Mixed running/hiking (2 x ~1.5 mi)

Tuesday 8/17

Scrambled eggs with sauteed onion and cheese, toast with butter and jam, and canned apricots (105+40+10+110+80+50+25+50=470)
Clif builder bar (270)
Cinnamon bread and drink of Pepsi (200+20=220)
1 kalamata olive (10)
2 veggie dogs and 1 bun with condiments, potato chips, beer, and 1 peanut butter cup (220+110+30+200+155+60=775)

470+270+220+10+775=1745 + no exercise

Monday 8/16

Cottage cheese with canned apricots and toast (110+100+80=290)
Chunk of cheese (110)
1 egg cooked with oil (70+20=90)
Powerbar (240)
Grocery store samples (150)
Tofu, avocado, tomato and onion sandwich (160+120+105+30+15=430)
Iced green tea with honey (60)
Drink of Mt. Dew (15)
Celery and cottage cheese with cocoa in coffee (20+110+70=200)

290+110+90+240+150+430+60+15+200=1585 + Elliptical (42 min, 537 cals) and pull-up practice

... WTF?

So I got back about five o'clock, stripped off my clothes, stepped on the scale, and...

164.0.

WHAT?

I made sure there was nothing underneath it, turned it to exactly the angle it was at before, and checked again. Same. I weighed a third time with the bodyfat reading on. 35.4%. Okay, maybe I almost kind of believe it, then. I pulled out the analog scale, and there's still approximately a 4-pound difference between them.

Alright then, the scale hasn't been fucked up in my absence. But a person does not lose 4 pounds in 5 1/2 days doing the level of restriction I am doing, especially between a first-of-the-morning weight and a 5pm weight, and especially since I am currently premenstrual and should thus be retaining. Remember last month when I lost 2 pounds in 2 days once I started my period? The only thing I can think of is that we went to a dry place, so I may have shed water anyway.

Tonight I'll drink plenty of water, eat a nice dinner, and we'll see what kind of story the scale tells tomorrow.

168.0

Another .8 in a day? Really? If this is what happens after breaking a plateau, then I'm groovin' it. Or maybe it's the bike-trip metabolism boost doing it's job. Either way, at this rate I could definitely be at 166.2 before school. I've also got a satisfactory bodyfat reading of 36.9% so I think the dehydration hedge is fading away.

Anyway, I'm leaving for almost a week - will be back next Sunday night. I was going to set 168.0-168.2 as my hope for the next weigh-in, but WTF, I'm already there. So I'll be conservative and hope for 167.4-167.6. I probably won't be able to do any pull-up practice without the assist machine, but I should be able to get in some push-ups and dips and I brought my running gear. Like last time I went camping (not the bike trip, but earlier in the summer) I'll try to get some exercise but probably mostly focus on aiming low calorie.

Toodles!

Weekly summary

Weight today: 168.8 and 38% bodyfat. You'll notice that's the same as yesterday, to which I said "nuh-UH not REALLY". My bodyfat percentage is up, which along with a heat is my indicator that this is at least somewhat dehydration, but I'm starting to question my rounding procedure. The scale has been pretty consistent lately, and it's irritating to see my calculated lean mass drop 2 pounds just because of a rounded percentage rise that isn't really a whole percent. Or last week, leveling out at 37 yet knowing I'd seen it go from 37.4 to 36.6 and just waiting to see a number I could round to 36. I think I'll start recording whatever the scale tells me, accurate, precise, or not. So today, I'm 37.9% fat.

Quick stats: average kcals/day 1766, 5 cardio, 3 strength workouts, 1 long walk, -3.2 lbs.

A note on exercise: "pull-up practice" is essentially identical to what I was calling "upper body strength workout" before. Basically, I go to the gym and do practice pull-ups and dips on the appropriate assist machine, sometimes some additional dumbbell presses as well. I made up a push-up practice workout as well, so I've been doing that at home other days.

Food journal:

Sunday 8/15

Pancakes with butter, syrup, and coffee (350+100+105=555)
Salad, pasta salad, fruit salad, deviled eggs and coffee (50+120+30+90+45=335)
Couscous and black-eyed peas 'n' greens (355)
Chunk of cheese (110)
Crackers and iced tea (60+20=80)
Canned apricots (100)
Miso with tofu (100+30=130)
2 bites of Powerbar (45)

555+335+355+110+80+100+130+45=1710 + outdoor run (2.5 mi)

Saturday 8/14

Berries and coffee (50)
Cereal with soymilk (125+100=225)
Nectarine (100)
Tortilla and cheese (170+220=390)
Tuna salad over lettuce with 1 tortilla and iced tea (125+20+60+170+60=435)
Frozen berries and soymilk (50+50=100)

50+225+100+390+435+100=1300 + long walk (2.7 mi)

Friday 8/13

Berries and coffee (50)
2 toast with jam, 1 egg, and coffee (160+50+70=280)
Clif bar and 2 Emergen-C's (240+40=280)
Pasta with sauteed vegetables (400+50+15+80=545)
Bread with peanut butter and honey (80+70+20=150)
Nutri yeast popcorn and hard cider (250+140=390)
Jam/fruit tastings and nachos (100+420=520)

50+280+280+150+390+520=2215 + outdoor run (2.0 mi) and push-up practice

Thursday 8/12

Blueberries and coffee (50)
Polenta with 1 egg, cheese, tomato, and avocado (90+70+110+15+55=340)
Couscous and black-eyed peas 'n' greens, and a Lara bar (355+190=545)
Soy chocolate protein shake (100+2*50=200)
TLC [tomato, lettuce, and cheese] sandwich and beer (160+110+25+155=450)
Bread and jam (80+50=130)

50+340+545+200+450+130=1715 + outdoor run (3.0 mi) and pull-up practice

Wednesday 8/11

Plum and coffee (70)
Egg and tomato patty and cereal (70+35+40+50+50=245)
Ice cream and yogurt (135+55=190)
Falafel with hummus, crackers, cucumber, tomato, and avocado (140+75+130+50+105=500)
Apple and Luna bar (100+180=280)
Cherry Coke Zero (0)
Couscous and black-eyed peas 'n' greens, a little protein drink, and blueberries (120+120+50+50+50=390)

70+245+190+500+280+390=1675 + outdoor run (3.0 mi)

Tuesday 8/10

Fruit salad and coffee (50)
Toast with egg and cheese, coffee, and soymilk (120+70+110+100=400)
Homemade bean and cheese burrito, chai with soymilk and honey, and 1 mini cupcake (260+110+170+35+110=685)
Nutri yeast popcorn (165)
Falafel, hummus, and veggie wrap (170+175+105+50=500)

50+400+685+165=1800 + outdoor run (2.5 mi) and push-up practice

Monday 8/9

Clif bar and coffee (240)
Apple and vanilla yogurt (100+70=170)
Tortilla (170)
Grocery store samples (50)
Cheese and crackers (130+110=240)
Tastes of hummus while making it and a glass of wine (75+125=200)
Luna bar (180)
Veggie sticks with hummus, couscous with black-eyed peas 'n' greens, and 2 mini cupcakes (130+355+215=700)

240+170+170+50+140+200+180+700=1950 + no exercise

Ramblings about stuff

I'm glad I went for a run today, even though it was 95 degrees out. I didn't run in the morning when it would have been cooler because it's Sunday, we were planning to have pancakes for breakfast, and we go to church. I also thought my family was going to bring over a mini trampoline and that was the exercise I wanted to do because there's no pushing yourself forward, just boing boing for a while and you don't mind putting in the effort because the effect is amplified so much. But no, they just brought over the canned apricots. So I ate a few apricots and went for a run and it wasn't too bad - it was hot, but late enough that it was shady most places. I hesitated at the apricots because they were going to put me over 1700 for the day. But then I thought - dude, are you going to eat 75 calories and then burn 200-300, or are you going to stay within your calorie box but get no exercise and feel like you did nothing today because of the heat? So I sipped the sweetness, wore less than usual and went out. Good choice, I think.

168.8

... is incredible, but absolutely reflects a lot of fluid loss. Yesterday was HOT AS HELL, and due to a certain psychoactive substance I ingested I wasn't interested in eating for a large part of the day. I got a low calorie count that nicely cancels out the day before (death of a thousand nacho nibbles) but that wasn't the point, it was just fortuitously timed. At any rate, my bodyfat percentage is actually up so I'm saying that no I did not lose 1.4 pounds of anything worthwhile in a day (or 1.0 in 2 days). I'll wait until tomorrow (weekly weigh-in, too) to declare that I've Lost Fifteen Pounds, but I think I have, and I'm happy for my second day in the 160s.

169.8

My scale was kind enough to grace me with a breeze from the 160's today. Not kind enough, however, to give me my 15-pound prize.

Probably if I'd run 3 miles instead of 2, I would have dissipated that extra 0.2 of a pound, but my body was not grooving on the running today.

I was looking at my spreadsheet and realized that this is probably my 15-pound plateau. I've been bouncing around the same pound 170-171 for 2 weeks. It just makes it that much more frustrating that it happened slightly before the official 15-pound mark, and right before the tens-place switch that I had just crossed on my analog scale before being bumped up four pounds. No wonder I've been getting annoyed with the numbers lately!

I still think I can meet 166.2 by September 13, but I'd really like to get there by August 30, when I go back to school. I would have to lose at a rate of 1.5 pounds a week. If my body is ready to let go of the plateau now, I think it's doable, but I have to make sure to really push a 750 deficit. I think the water weight and easy pounds are gone, and it's all going to be mathematically appropriate from here.

Sedentary maintenance calories at current weight: 1900-1950/day (calculated at LessJess and the other weight maintenance calculator in the sidebar)
Running and aerobic exercise: 5-6 x 300 cals each week ~ 230/day
Strength training: 3-5 x 80 cals each week ~ 50/day
Walking/biking for transportation: ~70/day

1925+230+50+70=2275
2275-750=1525

Oof. Well, maybe not. I'll try, and maybe I'll get lucky with my margins of error, but I don't really think that's realistic. Still, I should be losing more than 1 pound a week on 1700/day so I will be close.

Mindsplat

170.4 today. Slowly but surely. Hopefully I break 170 and 15 pounds before next weigh-in. I'm pretty sure I gained a pound of muscle on the bike trip, which makes me feel weird - I shouldn't mind because it's muscle, but it sets back my numbers and that annoys me.

Did well on calories yesterday, 1675. I've been more hungry since getting back though, and also craving junky foods. I blame the cravings on the energy bars and enriched-flour tortillas we mainly subsisted on during the trip (along with rice and beans, a split can of tuna each day, and intermittent cheese). I ate an energy bar for breakfast the day after we returned because we had no groceries and although it was calorically appropriate, it was like eating cookie dough for breakfast. We still have the enriched-flour tortillas and I'm inclined not to eat them. I know they would be tasty and provide a complex-carb base for any number of meals, but after whole-wheat there just seems like there's something empty and oversimplified about them. I do really want to eat the leftover energy bars though, so I've been limiting myself to one a day. I know something's off in my brain when I think couscous and black-eyed peas sounds boring (it's in fact delicious), am strangely drawn to the salt and vinegar potato chips (I hardly ever eat potato chips), and I am driven to go get a cherry Coke Zero as a substitute.

The quantitative hunger could be an indication that my metabolism has been sped up like I expected, and so 1600-1700 calories now is like if I'd been eating 1400-1500 before - but it surely doesn't help that I've been smoking pot a couple times a day since I got back. Frankly I'm rather amazed that I can keep my calorie intake sub-1700 while doing that.

I'm now running 3.0 miles in the mornings, which is about twice what I was doing a couple of weeks ago. It was great this morning after breakfast to say "well, I've consumed about 400 calories and burned 300 so far."

Went shopping for pants at Goodwill yesterday - not fun. The horrible fluorescent white lights undoubtedly had something to do with it, but I also wonder if I should take a break from reading ED blogs. Starting to get into my head, maybe. Goodwill never has any good pants in size 10 anyway, and clearance sales usually don't either. It will be so nice when I'm an 8 or a 6 and I can actually find decent pants without buying them brand new and expensive. But I need to buy a sturdy pair of 10s at least before school starts because I need to have ONE pair of pants that is not broken, almost-broken, or significantly too big. When I shrink into 8's I have those pants I found in a free box, but frankly, that's not gonna happen for at least a month or two.

My boyfriend is patient but seems to have some low level anxiety about my weight loss. He said a while ago that he hopes I don't count calories for the rest of forever. Yesterday he asked if I thought I would stop measuring my food when I reached 135, and in a different conversation he hinted at not setting a number like that, but just stopping at a point where my body is comfortable and I like how I look. Well... at 165 things are not terrible, but I'm definitely overweight. At 150, which I've been, I look/feel pretty good, but can still use some work. I have about the same amount of lean mass currently as a 135-pound person with 22% body fat. So 135 is probably a good guess. 120 would be on the skinny side, and I'd have to lose muscle as well as fat to get there, but on the other hand, a lighter person needs less muscle power to support themselves and move around, so I think it would not be unhealthy if I went that far. As far as calorie counting and measuring... I don't want to count calories forever, but I'm not just going to stop as soon as I reach my goal weight. It'll take time to train myself to automatically eat an appropriate amount. I'll probably start by recording and counting at the end of the day, without trying to keep track as I go along, and then drop it to a weekly or so audit, and finally leave it as a diagnostic tool if I start unexpectedly gaining. With measurements, I can already estimate if I need to, like when I eat out or at somebody's house, but the more times I see exactly 1 cup the better my estimates will get, and while I'm calorie counting the precision is helpful.

Back-from-the-bike-trip weigh-in

172.0 and 37% bodyfat this morning, and I'm sure it's fluid and digestive retention and maybe a little bit of muscle for a number of reasons...

- I feel like I'm retaining
- I ate spaghetti for dinner again last night
- I've been drinking tons of Emergen-C (electrolytes) for several days
- I've also gotten sufficiently dehydrated to need constant lip balm
- I've eaten 11360 calories in the last 4 days, mostly in the form of solid food
- I got the same weight yesterday immediately upon returning, but with 35.8% fat
- My body feels harder than it did when I left
- There's no way I gained any fat when you look at my energy balance

Alright, excuses over, I'm sure I will be vindicated next week. I really hope I shed a few pounds in the next few days as I re-equilibrate and hit 169.6 already. I just need to lose 2.4 pounds from here, 0.4 pounds from my lowest weight last week, to have lost FIFTEEN FULL POUNDS. I've been bouncing around twelve, thirteen, fourteen, for a bit too long and it's getting annoying.

The plan from here is as follows. Today, I don't restrict, but it's not a "booster day" where I try to eat a lot. It's just an allowance for the fact that my body may need more calories to recover, so not to worry if I'm up around 2000, but if less works out, then great. I suspect I won't need the allowance since I actually didn't have much deficit yesterday. Tomorrow, I restrict with a target of under 1850 to begin with, working back down to under 1700 as soon as my body will allow, and go back to my usual exercise immediately.

Quick 9-day stats: average kcals/day 2311, 4 cardio, 2 strength workouts, 148 biked miles including 2938 ft of climbing, +1.2 lbs.

Now the data, but first a note on "net calories." I don't usually calculate net calories because calorie-burn estimates are notoriously unreliable and then you have to take into account your BMR and it's just not really worth it under usual conditions. But since I was doing such extreme exercise and eating lots of food to fuel it, I wanted to get an idea of what kind of deficit I'd be pushing. So the "net calories" reported for bike-trip days are the consumed calories minus a burn estimate based on riding the number of miles I did at 8 mph and 172 lbs body weight according to whatever assumptions go into a typical online calculator. Note that this doesn't account for the weight of supplies, bike, elevation, speed variation, etc. My BMR, for reference, is estimated at about 1600 calories/day, but this also could be different for the bike trip days because of the amount of repair and quick adaptation necessary.

Sunday 8/8

1 Lara bar and 2 Emergen-C's (200+40=240)
1 cup polenta and 1/2 can tuna (175+95=270)
BLT sandwich and side salad with vinaigrette (550+50+50=650)
3/4 pint Half-Baked ice cream (810)
Pasta with red sauce and a glass of wine (500+80+125=705)

240+270+650+810+705=2675 + 22 miles bike riding (net: ~1825)

Saturday 8/7

1 Powerbar, 1 Clif bar, 1 Luna bar, 1 Lara bar, and 2 Emergen-C's (240+250+180+200+40=910)
Eggs, hash browns, toast with butter and jam, and chocolate milk (140+300+200+200+100+160+100=1200)
1 tortilla, 1 oz cheese, 1 cup rice and beans, and 1/2 can tuna (170+110+230+95=605)
1/2 half-pint blackberries, and 1 beer (50+100=150)

910+1200+605+150=2865 + 39 miles bike riding with 1548 ft elevation gain (net: ~1200)

Friday 8/6

2 Clif bars, 1 Luna bar, 1 Lara bar, and 5 Emergen-Cs (490+180+190+100=960)
2.5 tortillas, 3 oz cheese, 2 cups rice and beans, 1 cup polenta, and 1/2 can tuna (425+330+460+175+95=1485)
1 orange, handful of peanuts, and 1 Werther's candy (100+200+20=320)

960+1485+320=2765 + 32 miles bike riding (net: ~1500)

Thursday 8/5

1 egg, 2 toast with butter, 1/2 grapefruit with sugar, vanilla yogurt, and soymilk (70+200+100+40+15+105+100=630)
1 Powerbar, 1 Clif bar, 2 Luna bars, 1 Lara bar, and 4 Emergen-Cs (240+240+360+200+80=1120)
3 tortillas, 3 oz cheese, 1 cup rice and beans, and 1/2 can tuna (510+330+230+95=1165)
1 can Coke (140)

630+1120+1165+140=3055 + 55 miles bike riding with 1390 ft elevation gain (net: ~1000)

Wednesday 8/4

Soymilk and coffee (100)
Egg, cheese, and potato burrito (2*70+100+100+170=510)
Walnuts, apple, and green tea (245+100=345)
Ice cream with fudge sauce and strawberries (2*150+130+50=480)
Pasta with red sauce and nutri-yeast (500+120+50=670)

100+510+345+480+670=2105 + outdoor run (2.0 mi) and upper body strength workout

Tuesday 8/3

Egg on toast, vanilla yogurt, and grapefruit with 2 tsp sugar (70+120+10+80+30=310)
Cheese sandwich and apple (2*120+2*100+100=540)
Frozen grapes and a chunk of cheese (50+100=150)
Slice of bread (120)
Soymilk and 1 package ramen (100+380=480)

310+540+150+120+480=1600 + outdoor run (2.2 mi)

Monday 8/2

Banana and coffee (100)
Toast with sweet peanut butter and coffee (100+190=290)
Chunk of cheese (100)
Couscous with sauteed onions, tomatoes, and chopped almonds (175+40+30+200=445)
Frozen grapes and a spoonful of sweet peanut butter (50+100=150)
Chicken with butter, sauteed potatoes, green vegetables and a glass of wine (210+100+150+80+50+125=715)

100+290+100+445+150+715=1800 + outdoor run (1.4 mi) and upper body strength workout

Sunday 8/1

Scrambled eggs with cheese and toast (140+75+100=315)
Blueberry bread and a slice of provolone (220+80=300)
Picnic lunch (860)
Caponata sandwich (300)
Yogurt and fruit salad (140+60=200)
Bread with sardines (150+110=260)
Carrot and sparkling juice (30+70=100)
Sesame puffs and popcorn (60+165=225)
Pizza and soda (500+150=650)

315+300+860+225+650=2350 + no exercise

Saturday 7/31

1 bowl cereal with sliced banana and coffee (150+100+100=350)
Chunk of cheese (100)
Partial bowl potato corn chowder, pasta, fried polenta, and a glass of wine (150+200+150+125=625)
Chunk of cheese (100)
Slice of bread with sweet peanut butter (100+100=200)
Iced tea (60)
Miso soup with tofu (50+100=150)

350+100+625+100+200+60+150=1585 + aerobic dancing (7 songs)

BIKE TRIP

171.6 pounds of me (thank you carbo loading dinner).
25.4 pounds of bike.
42.0 pounds of supplies.

Bring it on, and see you next Monday.

Clothing sizes

Clothing sizes are always interesting. They're only moderately correlated with body weight, though, for me. I remember being a 12 at 165, then a 10 at 150, then a 12 at 180, then a 10 at 165. Um?...

I found some real 8s in a free box on my run this morning. Kind of interesting how going out to exercise causes me to find smaller clothes! I can put them on, but I have to suck in to close the front and it wouldn't be comfortable to walk around in them. My stretched-out 8s and the straight 10 I have fit just about perfectly, but they both have holes and patches and weak spots because I gained so much weight while wearing them. Meanwhile, my 12s are loose, but it would be okay for them to be that loose if not for the fact that they are high-waisted pants. High-waisted pants of an appropriate size usually are in such a state that if the butt and especially thighs would stay about the same, but the waist could be pulled in about 2 inches, then they'd be perfect. Finally, I tried on my 10P jeans again, which were patched with denim and a sewing machine so their patched spot is much stronger. They are snug but comfortable, so I'm wearing them today, and that's an improvement over a couple weeks ago when I decided they were too tight. So in my drawer arranging my pants 12-10-"8"-10P-8, the middle three fit pretty well and I've got a loose one and a tight one. Great for tracking progress.

I weigh every day

A lot of people recommend to weigh once a week. They say don't weigh every day, because your weight fluctuates with fluid and such.

The recommendation is also to lose 1/2 to 2 pounds a week.

So I say, if your weight fluctuates with fluid in such, then it could JUST AS EASILY make an unfavorable fluctuation on your weigh in day as any other day. You're looking for a 1-2 pound change, which is pretty much the same range as day-to-day random scatter about a stable weight, and about half as much as within-day changes. So, you can only see a trend over time. You only weigh weekly, you have 1/7 as much data and it it takes a lot longer to know if you're seeing a trend or not.

Also, cool thing: this morning the body fat reading said 36.6%. I log it as 37%, according to my previous decision on sig figs although it's been more consistent lately, but this is the first day I've rounded UP to 37%. Also, my bodyfat percentage has decreased by 1 rounded percentage point since the last time my spreadsheet calculated 107 pounds lean mass. I've lost 2.4 pounds since then, which is about 1.4% of the previous weight. It's a pretty rough calculation, but signs are looking good for mostly fat loss.

Not fat enough to be a fat girl

Today we went on a day trip and I had my boyfriend take a picture of me at one point. It looked terrible. I deleted the picture and reminded myself that I've lost almost 15 pounds which is awesome, and so it's still much better than it could be, right?

Yet, in some ways, it seems like being 15 pounds fatter WAS easier. Oh, of course it wasn't better, I was getting some physical and lots of anxious health symptoms because of it. But just in terms of my appearance - at least there's kind of a niche for fat girls. At 185 I was starting to think of myself as a fat girl and while it wasn't my top choice of how to be, there was a certain kind of comfort in it. Now I'm not really fat anymore, but I'm certainly not not-fat. I'm in the awkward middle zone where I just sort of look swollen sometimes.

'Course, I could never really get comfortable with being a fat girl anyway because I don't have an excuse. I'd stand out. My boyfriend's super lean, my mom's slim, my dad's slim, my stepdad is big and tall but quite fit and always concerned about us kids getting enough exercise. I'd be the only fat one, nobody to validate it, you know? But that's probably a good thing.

I think it'll take about another 10 pounds before this starts to turn around again and get comfortable from the thin side.