CRAZY

I have become such a lightweight to alcohol since I started restricting calories... it's fun, but it's also kinda weird 'cuz I haven't lost that much weight yet. I only had 2 glasses of wine and I am DRUNK.

... foodz:

1 toast with peanut butter and yogurt (100+100+150=350)
String cheese (60)
Cheese/veggie/tofurky sandwich and plum (2*100+100+100+50+50+50=550)
Brownie (200)
Tea and fruit grain bar (0+130=130)
Red beans 'n' rice dish, 2 glasses wine, and ice cream (200+2*125+150=600)

350+60+550+200+130+600=1890
C-206 L-56 P-61.5 (52/32/16%)

As you can see I decided how to report the macronutrient ratios - I'm not showing the breakdown for every food but the total grams of each and calorie percentage (alcohol not included).

I did weights and shit today... whatever.

I felt silly for eating the brownie. It wasn't that it wasn't good or I couldn't afford the calories but I just, y'know, wasn't really hungry and I could have just broken off a little bite to try. (My coworker brought them.) Oh well.

I felt CRAZY today. Jittery, ornery, like my only emotional options are annoyed or completely unresponsive (what most observers would probably interpret as depressed). Hallucination-type craziness doesn't bother me, I think it's fun actually, but emotional craziness, getting a kind of wild edginess for no good reason, that makes me feel unstable. I think addiction, OCD, EDs all have a common root. I don't Have An Eating Disorder but my eating habits haven't exactly been well-ordered for much of my life. I've teetered on the edge of being legitimately addicted to weed, I've got a compulsion to keep things at right angles (or 45 degrees, but NOT, for the love of God, just a few degrees off or wrinkled) and I can't stop biting the skin of my fingertips since I started 11 years ago. It's all small change, nothing worth bothering the psychiatrist about, but when you put it all together I do sound a few screws loose. Days like today, I wouldn't really mind just acting it all out - doing something vegetative and useless all day, or bouncing off the walls with no focus and piqued contrariness - if not for the effect it has on other people. I don't feel bad from it directly, but I don't want to hurt someone by being insensitive and dramatically argumentative, or have them all worried about my seeming down when it's just apathy, really, leave me alone... leave me alone.

Alone. I wish I had my people-time in the morning, and alone-working-time at night, because I seem to have less work-focus in the morning, and want to talk to people less at night.