Hello world

Hello people. I have no idea if I will get any readership, but I'd kinda like it, and if so, I'm sure you'd like to know what this is all about.

I love food too much to ever be anorexic, and I hate vomiting too much to ever be bulimic. I don't have an eating disorder, and I'm not pro-ED. But I'm strangely drawn in by pro-ana blogs, and I'd like to imitate their style. Why am I drawn in by pro-ana blogs if I don't have an ED and don't think I ever will? Probably the same reason that my favorite music is written by drug addicts singing about how they fail at life and everything sucks. Of course that's just a way of deflecting the question of what the reason IS, but at this point it's the best I've got. Anyway...

There will be things different from your typical pro-ana blog. For one thing, I'm actually overweight - obese, in fact, according to BMI standards. I am 5'5" and weigh 181 lbs as of a few minutes ago, which gives me a BMI of 30.1. Now I know there are caveats with BMI and I know that I carry my weight well, but at some point enough is enough. I've never been this heavy before, and I've never felt like I had "fat person" health issues. I decided enough was enough when I found that some sleeping positions made it hard to breathe adequately.

What will be like your typical pro-ana blog is the style and function. I will tally my calories every day, mention my workouts, and post my weight often (it will not have better precision than 1 pound). My daily calories will not be 0, they will not be 500, they will be more like 1800 - but overall, I could stand to be more obsessive about what I eat. Hopefully keeping this blog will make me feel accountable or at least make me more aware of when I'm letting my vigilance drop, because it will entail messing up this other thing.

I also rather like the fact that this blog will be a secret. I am Annika Q, a nothing name. I made my account with an email address I've been using as a spamdump for years. I will be secretly obsessive about my food. It's a strange idea I realize but somehow it works: I will be accountable to this blog to keep me on track, while keeping everyone I really know off my back. Unlike ED folks the trouble isn't people trying to get me to eat. It's people offering any sort of advice whatsoever about my weight loss venture. Whether it's people telling me my body looks healthy (ahem, officially obese), or saying I should eat salad or take a harder bike route to make up for missing a workout, I don't want to hear it. I want to show them all that I can do it without their help. And it'll be nice to have my own thing, something hidden, but best of all, something that isn't bad even though it feels thrilling, because I actually need it.

My minimal goal is 165 lbs., which is what I was before I moved into dorms for this past school year. (Fuck dorm food, it is the sole cause of the Freshman Fifteen as far as I'm concerned - I LOST weight without trying living on my own for the first time!) After that, I hope to push it down to 150, and my final goal is probably somewhere between 135-150. That'll put me in the normal BMI range, and lighter than I've been since 7th grade.

With all that said, let's get down to business.